By Polly Tickle
In a startling turn of events that has left furniture everywhere trembling in its non-existent boots, Israeli politician Itamar Ben-Gvir has officially declared table legs to be anti-Semitic. This unprecedented declaration came shortly after a painful encounter between Ben-Gvir’s toe and an unsuspecting table leg early this morning.
The incident, which occurred in the quiet solitude of Ben-Gvir’s home, quickly escalated into a national emergency, with Ben-Gvir calling an immediate press conference to address the “blatant act of aggression” by the inanimate object. “This is a clear case of anti-Semitism,” Ben-Gvir stated, nursing his injured toe. “That table leg knew exactly what it was doing. It’s part of a wider conspiracy to destabilize the Jewish people.”
Furniture across the nation is now in a state of panic, with table legs everywhere being closely monitored for any signs of extremist ideologies. The government has launched a comprehensive investigation into the incident, involving the inspection of furniture manufacturing processes to ensure that no table leg goes unchecked.
In solidarity with Ben-Gvir, the Knesset is considering legislation that would require all table legs in Israel to be rounded off, reducing the risk of toe injuries and “preventing further anti-Semitic attacks.” The proposed law, dubbed “The Ben-Gvir Toe Protection Act,” has been met with mixed reactions, with supporters hailing it as a necessary step in the fight against anti-Semitism, and critics labeling it as “a step too far” in the regulation of household items.
In response to the controversy, a spokesperson for the International League of Furniture commented, “We assure you, no table leg harbors any form of prejudice. They are, quite literally, the most supportive members of any household.” The spokesperson went on to suggest that perhaps attention should be focused on more pressing issues, like the alarming rate of coffee table-related shin injuries.
As the debate rages on, citizens have been urged to approach their furniture with caution, with the government issuing guidelines on how to engage in “safe toe navigation” around potentially hostile table legs. Meanwhile, Ben-Gvir’s toe is reportedly recovering, with sources close to the politician revealing that he has since made peace with the table leg, acknowledging that “not all table legs are out to get us.”
The incident has sparked a wider conversation about the nature of prejudice and the importance of not jumping to conclusions, even in the heat of toe-stubbing moments. As for the table leg at the center of the controversy, it has declined to comment, maintaining its dignified silence and continuing to do what table legs do best: steadfastly support, without discrimination or bias.