By Chip Byteley
On Safer Internet Day, this past February 6th, heartthrob Brad Pitt took digital protection to dizzying new heights – by hiring an internet bodyguard. Forget stalkers and leaked selfies, his greatest fear? Incessant buffering and that dreaded ‘connection lost’ icon. Crustian Satirical Daily News (CSDN) has your exclusive:
Introducing: Chad. Ex-Special Forces. Now Protects WiFi Modems
Forget bulging muscles; Pitt’s bodyguard ‘Chad’ has a tech genius IQ. Skills include sniffing out the best routers, hacking cafe passwords, and glaring menacingly at laggy Zoom calls. He’s part IT ninja, part overzealous personal hype man: “You WILL load this cat video, and it WILL be glorious!”
Celebrity Perks Have Their Limits
Even with private jets and mansions, A-listers aren’t immune to technological angst. Picture it: Pitt on a conference call, deal collapsing as pixelation attacks. Cue Chad, diving to reboot the modem, yelling, “The very FATE of Hollywood rests on this connection!”
The Enemies are Legion, and Frustratingly Mundane
Chad’s toughest challenges? Defeating that upstairs neighbor hogging bandwidth! Shielding Mr. Pitt’s eyes from “low resolution” warnings! Expertly explaining no, it’s NOT the cloud’s fault his email vanished (probably).
Internet Bodyguards: Trend Alert?
Will other celebs follow this lead? Imagine Beyonce demanding a lyrical download specialist, or Elon Musk with an AI meme guard for those controversial tweets. The internet protection racket just got way more absurd.
Does This Actually Improve Internet Safety?
Probably not. But it’s hilarious to envision. Plus, reminds us even with fame and riches, the fury of slow internet transcends our differences. Maybe Brad Pitt, in his struggle for clear streaming, is the relatable hero we didn’t know we needed.