Valentine’s Day: A Guide on What Not to Do

This Valentine’s Day, in a world brimming with how-to guides for perfect romance, we at CSDN are taking a different approach. Forget the roses and candlelit dinners; let’s dive into the ultimate list of Valentine’s Day don’ts that promise to secure your spot on the couch for the night. It’s time to explore the worst advice ever given for the day of love, because sometimes, knowing what not to do is the true path to enlightenment.

1. The Gift of Practicality

Nothing says “I love you” like a new vacuum cleaner or a subscription to antivirus software. After all, love is about addressing those day-to-day annoyances, right? Bonus points if you wrap it in newspaper for that extra touch of thoughtfulness.

2. The Surprise Dinner at Home

Surprise your significant other by not making dinner reservations and announcing you’ll be cooking instead. The twist? You can’t cook. The menu features burnt toast and whatever’s in the can labeled “Chicken Noodle Something.” Ambiance is provided by the flickering light of the smoke alarm.

3. The Thrill of the Hunt

Hide your partner’s gift so well that it turns Valentine’s Day into an impromptu scavenger hunt. Clues should be vague and mildly insulting for maximum frustration. “It’s in the place you never clean because you’re too busy watching reality TV,” is a surefire winner.

4. Public Displays of Affection (PDA) Overload

Make everyone in a 10-mile radius uncomfortable with excessive PDA. The grocery store, the dentist’s waiting room, the line at the DMV—no location is too sacred for a make-out session. Remember, the goal is to make strangers contemplate celibacy.

5. Social Media Spam

Document every moment of your Valentine’s Day on social media, from the underwhelming breakfast in bed to the not-so-silent argument about who loves who more. Use hashtags like #BlessedCouple and #LoveGoals to really drive home the insincerity.

6. The Gift of Nothing

Embrace the philosophical side of love by gifting your partner absolutely nothing and explaining that material possessions are the chains that bind us. Prepare a speech about the impermanence of all things, ideally delivered right when they expect to receive a gift.

7. Valentine’s Day Roast

Instead of whispering sweet nothings, opt for a “loving roast,” where you point out all your partner’s flaws in front of friends and family. It’s like a toast, but with a higher chance of ending in tears.

Epilogue: Apology Gifts

As the night inevitably takes a turn for the worse, keep a stash of apology gifts ready. This is the moment the vacuum cleaner might just save the day—provided you’re still speaking to each other.

Remember, folks, Valentine’s Day is about love, laughter, and sometimes, learning from your mistakes. So, take these tips with a grain of salt—or better yet, leave them on the shelf and just be kind, thoughtful, and genuine this February 14th.