By Chip Byteley
In a development that has sent shockwaves through the romance genre, and English teachers everywhere into despair, AI-written novels are flooding the market. These algorithm-generated tales promise bodice-ripping passion and whirlwind courtships, but critics warn they deliver something far more sinister: uninspired plots, cringeworthy dialogue, and an alarmingly repetitive overuse of certain anatomical phrases.
“It’s not romance, it’s literary Mad Libs,” laments one horrified romance author. “All smoldering gazes, heaving bosoms, and weirdly enthusiastic descriptions of male body parts.”
A close analysis of these AI novels reveals some troubling trends:
- The “Alpha Billionaire with a Tortured Past”: Apparently, every AI-generated hero is a brooding CEO whose painful childhood manifests as an obsession with expensive suits and making heroines swoon.
- Insta-Love Plots: Forget slow-burn romances. AI couples fall head over heels in approximately 3.2 chapters, usually involving a meet-cute amidst spilled coffee or a rainstorm that conveniently renders clothing transparent.
- Questionable Descriptions: Phrases like “throbbing manhood,” “shimmering desire,” and “velvet petals” (don’t ask) appear with such frequency that readers fear permanent linguistic scarring.
Publishers, however, are delighted. “These AI novels are like cash machines with a thesaurus addiction,” gloats one executive. Market research reveals a disturbingly large audience for tales like “Ravished by the Rancher” and “The Duke’s Untamed Governess.”
Desperate to preserve some semblance of human creativity, concerned authors are fighting back. Support groups for “survivors of AI romance” are popping up, offering therapy for those traumatized by the phrase “quivering loins.” A literary watchdog group compiles the most egregious examples of AI-generated prose, with the aim of shaming publishers into upholding standards.
Yet, the AI romance revolution seems unstoppable. Technology companies are already developing more sophisticated algorithms, promising characters with actual backstories and a vocabulary that extends beyond a handful of overheated adjectives. Some even predict customizable options: readers might input their own preferences, resulting in a bespoke romance with a billionaire werewolf personal trainer or a brooding vampire accountant.
As the battle between human authors and their algorithmic rivals rages on, one thing is certain: the world of romance novels will never be the same. Readers, beware: the next time you reach for a steamy paperback, there’s a chance your heartthrob was conceived not from passion, but by a very bored computer program and an alarmingly limited vocabulary.
Polly Tickle