Aliens Cancel Earth Visit, Cite Fear of Catching ‘Human Stupidity Syndrome’

In an unprecedented press release transmitted via inexplicable light patterns in the night sky, an advanced alien civilization has officially decided to give Earth a wide berth. Citing “extreme concerns for the potential of biohazard-level stupidity,” the extraterrestrials stated they will not be initiating first contact as originally planned.

“Frankly, we’re terrified,” confessed Zog, Supreme Mind-Leader of the Zargonian Collective via a series of translated blips and flashes. “These ‘humans’ exhibit a contagious condition known as ‘Human Stupidity Syndrome.’ Symptoms include: fighting over imaginary lines on a map, worshipping celebrities, and an unwavering belief in things like ‘flat planets’ and a ‘healthy all-bacon diet.'”

The Zargonian analysis of humanity is as scathing as it is accurate. Their report cites our reality TV obsession, social media echo chambers, and politicians’ outlandish claims. “The ability for critical thought appears to have vanished,” the report states.”We cannot risk our advanced civilization being infected by such willful ignorance.”

The news sparked mixed reactions. “Finally, someone else sees what we’ve been dealing with!” declared a beleaguered science teacher. Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists doubled down, convinced the alien statement is just more fake news. (“Obviously the government is in cahoots with the aliens!” ranted one particularly tinfoil-hatted blogger.)

Zog, meanwhile, remains firm. “We observed Earth for centuries, hoping for signs of intelligent life,” he signaled. “Instead, we found Florida Man, and frankly, that was enough. It’s safer if we keep our distance.”

The Zargonians aren’t taking chances. They’ve even adjusted their interstellar travel routes to bypass our solar system entirely and have implemented strict decontamination protocols for any probes sent within a thousand light-years of Earth.

As for humankind? The aliens’ harsh assessment might just be the reality check we need. Whether we manage to evolve past our predilection for ridiculousness and attract future alien visitors, or devolve further and end up as an exhibit in a galactic museum titled, “Species That Never Quite Figured It Out” remains to be seen.