By Chip Byteley
“Mercury in Retrograde? Nah, It’s the Universe!” Astrologer Blames Procrastination Pandemic on ‘Unhelpful’ Stars
Noted celestial soothsayer, Madame Zelda Stargazer, has issued a dire warning: an impending planetary alignment will unleash an unprecedented wave of procrastination upon the unsuspecting world. Citing the “unfortunate cosmic tango” between a sluggish Saturn and a distracted Neptune, Stargazer predicts a global surge in unfinished tasks, neglected errands, and delightfully delayed deadlines.
“This isn’t your average ‘oops, I forgot’ situation,” Madame Stargazer explains, her voice tinged with astrological dread. “This is a cosmic lethargy descending upon us. The urge to binge-watch old sitcoms instead of tackling that spreadsheet? Blame the stars!”
News of this astrological excuse has triggered a surprising reaction – a wave of quiet relief washing over the globe. In office cubicles and overcrowded inboxes, the whispers have begun.
“Finally, an explanation that my boss can’t argue with!” exclaimed Sarah, a chronically late project manager, a newfound serenity in her eyes.
“Turns out, my piles of unread emails are a form of stellar protest,” mused Tom, a normally studious accountant, as he casually kicked a stack of invoices under his desk.
This unprecedented celestial scapegoat phenomenon is having a ripple effect. Productivity coaches are reporting a mass cancellation of appointments. Self-help book sales have plummeted, replaced by an increased demand for astrology charts and suspiciously dusty back issues of TV Guide.
Of course, not everyone is buying into the cosmic excuse craze. “Hocus pocus!” scoffed Dr. Reginald Plodwell, famed anti-astrology advocate. “Correlation does not equal causation! This is simply an excuse for the chronically lazy.”
Yet, across social media, the hashtags #BlameTheStars and #ProcrastinationWithPurpose are trending globally. Coffee shop conversations buzz with newfound lightness, and a sense of camaraderie pervades the air. Who needs willpower when facing a cosmic conspiracy of procrastination?
Stay tuned for updates on this unique phenomenon, as astrologers debate whether the procrastinatory effects will linger, and employers desperately attempt to re-motivate a workforce suddenly more interested in their horoscopes than their spreadsheets.
Liv N. Large 
Polly Tickle