By Chip Byteley
In an unexpected twist during his latest State of the Union address, President Biden unveiled his novel strategy to combat concerns over his age—a revolutionary age-defying elixir funded entirely by taxing the rich. Dubbed “The Fountain of Youth Tax Reform,” this policy has caused quite a stir across the nation, blending the eternal human quest for youth with the ongoing debate over tax equity.
A Toast to Eternal Youth, Courtesy of the 1%
The plan, as detailed by the President, involves a modest increase in taxes for billionaires, with the revenue earmarked for the development and distribution of the “Biden Elixir.” This potion promises not only to revitalize the aging cells of anyone over the age of 65 but also to reduce the federal deficit, making it a win-win for all—except, perhaps, for the ultra-wealthy.
From Tax Returns to Turning Back Time
Economists and alchemists alike have been called to the table to fine-tune the formula, which is said to blend cutting-edge science with age-old magic. Critics argue that the plan is just a fanciful distraction from more pressing issues, but supporters are enchanted by the idea of a policy that literally reverses the effects of aging.
A Heated Debate Brews
The opposition has been quick to label the initiative as “voodoo economics,” while some fiscal conservatives wonder if they might accidentally live forever if they fall into a higher tax bracket. Meanwhile, tech billionaires have begun investing in anti-aging startups, hoping to find a loophole that allows them to keep both their youth and their fortunes.
Looking Forward
As the nation awaits further details on the “Biden Elixir,” the White House has hinted at potential side effects, including an inexplicable urge to wear aviator sunglasses and a newfound appreciation for classic rock. Whether this age-defying strategy will pass through Congress remains to be seen, but it has certainly injected a dose of humor and hope into the political discourse.
Polly Tickle