By Polly Tickle
In a move fueled by either desperation or delusion, DIY surgery kits are experiencing a horrifying surge in popularity, driven by soaring medical costs and a concerning faith in YouTube tutorials.
“Why pay a surgeon when you have two hands and a rusty butter knife?” proclaims the tagline for “Stich-It-Yourself,” a disturbingly well-stocked kit featuring expired sutures, a bottle of suspiciously cheap whiskey (“for sterilization”), and a link to a video titled, “Removing Your Appendix: It Ain’t Rocket Surgery…Or Is It?”
Manufacturers insist their kits are for “educational purposes only,” but that disclaimer is doing little to dissuade the financially desperate. Online forums buzz with panicked questions like “Is superglue an acceptable skin closure alternative?” and “Help! I think I left a scalpel inside me, what do?”
The medical community is, naturally, sounding the alarm. “This is madness!” exclaims Dr. Horace Hippocrates, a surgeon clutching his head in disbelief (and probably suppressing the urge to vomit). “Human anatomy is complex. One wrong incision and you could end up bleeding out in your kitchen, surrounded by those same how-to videos that got you into this mess.”
Yet, the appeal of DIY surgery is grimly understandable. A single emergency room visit can bankrupt a family. Insurance companies seem designed to deny everything, including the existence of vital organs. Waitlists for even necessary procedures stretch on for months, sometimes years.
The creators of these kits are banking on this desperation. “We’re empowering patients!” claims Bob Bandage, founder of “Surgery By YOUniversity” which, for a hefty fee, promises a graduation certificate upon completing their online training module (duration: 12 minutes).
Despite warnings from professionals, success stories (most likely fabricated, but convincingly graphic) proliferate online. “Saved $40k on a knee replacement! My knees look a bit like Frankenstein’s monster, but hey, I can walk!” raves one questionable review.
Whether DIY surgery is the start of a darkly dystopian trend, or simply a fad destined to leave its participants scarred (both physically and emotionally) remains to be seen. One thing’s for sure: if you find yourself browsing DIY surgery websites, take a deep breath, close your laptop, and reevaluate your life choices.
Chip Byteley