By Chip Byteley
A seemingly unremarkable Tuesday afternoon in Anytown, USA took a turn for the bizarre when a cyclist and a pedestrian became locked in an epic battle for sidewalk supremacy. The unlikely combatants, a lycra-clad cyclist named Bernard and a determined retiree named Mildred, found themselves embroiled in a tense standoff that lasted for a staggering hour.
The incident began, as most sidewalk disputes do, with a simple question of right-of-way. Bernard, pedaling his bright red road bike at a leisurely pace, rang his bell to alert Mildred, who was ambling down the sidewalk with a determined gait and a grocery bag clutched tightly in her hand. Mildred, startled by the unexpected clangor, refused to budge.
“This is a sidewalk, young man,” she declared, her voice laced with righteous indignation. “Bikes belong on the road!”
Bernard, a man not known for backing down from a good argument (or a slight incline), countered with a flurry of legalese about shared-use paths and pedestrian yield signs (conveniently located several blocks away).
Thus began the Standoff on Elm Street. Passersby were treated to the surreal spectacle of a cyclist frozen mid-pedal stroke, one leg hovering heroically over the curb, and a resolute pedestrian planted firmly in the middle of the sidewalk, her grocery bag a silent but potent symbol of defiance.
Traffic came to a standstill as motorists honked in frustration, unsure of who to side with in this increasingly absurd conflict. Children, initially delighted by the unexpected disruption to their afternoon routine, eventually grew bored and wandered off to find more traditional forms of entertainment.
The local news crew, alerted by a flurry of social media posts featuring blurry photos and incredulous captions (“Is this real life? #sidewalkwars”), arrived on the scene just as Bernard attempted to negotiate a truce.
“Look, ma’am,” he pleaded, his voice strained from the exertion of maintaining his precarious one-legged stance, “how about we just call it a draw? You get the sidewalk for the next ten minutes, and then I can scoot through?”
Mildred, unimpressed, remained unmoved. The sun began its descent, casting long shadows across the now-famous sidewalk. Just as whispers of police intervention started circulating, a deus ex machina arrived in the form of a friendly neighborhood dog walker.
With a well-timed “Walkies!” and a gentle tug on the leash, the dog walker, oblivious to the drama unfolding before him, managed to herd Mildred off the sidewalk. Bernard, seizing his chance, took off in a flurry of lycra and pent-up frustration.
The hour-long standoff ended as abruptly as it began. The only casualties? A slightly bruised ego on both sides, and a collective sense of bewilderment from the entire town of Anytown. The internet, however, erupted in celebration. Memes featuring Bernard and Mildred were born, immortalizing their bizarre battle for sidewalk supremacy.
One thing’s for sure: the next time someone mentions a “sidewalk showdown,” the residents of Anytown will know exactly what they’re talking about.
Liv N. Large 
Polly Tickle