By Chip Byteley
The Dartmouth Big Green basketball team has officially formed a union. Citing exploitative practices, unreasonable hours, and a concerning lack of quality pizza, the players have released a list of demands that focus less on million-dollar contracts, and more on basic college student survival.
“We’re not asking for mansions, just enough pizza slices to offset a 3AM practice,” explains team captain and part-time philosophy major, Sarah Student-Athlete. “The endless grind of essays, exams, and rebounds is unsustainable without a reliable caffeine source.”
Key demands from the Dartmouth Players Union (DPU) include:
- A per-game payment of one large pepperoni pizza from an establishment that’s a) open past midnight, and b) not located in the basement of a suspicious “24-Hour Pizza Emporium.”
- Unlimited coffee passes for the campus coffee shop with the perpetually broken espresso machine (they understand budget limitations).
- A formal appeal to the dining hall to stop serving “mystery meat casserole” the night before big games.
- Nap pods installed courtside for essential recovery during particularly boring team meetings.
The NCAA, an organization known for its heartwarming commitment to student well-being and definitely not massive profits, is scrambling to respond.
“This sets a dangerous precedent,” splutters Horace Harumph, a long-time NCAA official. “If we start compensating players with pizza, where does it end? Vouchers for textbooks? Mental health days? A reasonable work-life balance?!”
The Dartmouth team stands firm. “We’re willing to negotiate,” says Sarah, eyeing a fading “Free Bagels!” sign outside the student center. “But, access to edible food and basic caffeine is non-negotiable.”
The standoff has garnered national attention. Students, united by their shared love of late-night snacks and hatred of 8 AM classes, are rallying behind the cause. Hashtags like #PizzaOverProfits and #CaffeinatedAthletes trend alongside calls for NCAA reform.
Whether the Dartmouth Players Union succeeds in revolutionizing college sports, or simply secures better dining options for their team, remains to be seen. But, one thing’s for sure: the next time you see a group of exhausted college athletes, don’t offer them inspirational quotes – offer them a pizza and a coffee. That, it seems, is the true currency of student success.
Polly Tickle