By Polly Tickle
In a controversial new report that’s sending shockwaves through academia and concerned parents’ groups alike, Dr. Bartholomew Fiddlebottom-Smythe has come to a shocking conclusion: TikTok dances are hastening the decline of Western Civilization.
“The relentless jiggling, the mindless arm flailing, the vacant expressions – these are not merely frivolous trends,” Dr. Fiddlebottom-Smythe thunders from his leather-bound armchair at the Institute for the Preservation of Seriousness. “They are symptoms of a society losing its grip on intellectual rigor, artistic expression, and basic human decency.”
The report goes on to cite the addictive nature of TikTok, the shortening attention spans, and the disturbing trend of filming interpretive dances in front of national monuments as clear signs of cultural decay.
“Can a civilization that twerks its way through history truly claim respect?” the report asks pointedly. It further warns that if left unchecked, future generations might not be able to discern between the works of Shakespeare and the lyrics of the latest viral earworm.
Of course, not everyone agrees with Dr. Fiddlebottom-Smythe’s dire pronouncements. Teenagers, for instance, greeted the report with a collective eye roll and the universal declaration of “OK, Boomer.” Pop culture analysts argue that panicking about the latest youth trend is as old as civilization itself. “Remember when the waltz was considered scandalous?” chuckles Dr. Millie Nial, a researcher specializing in generational misunderstandings. “Plus, who says silly dances can’t coexist with serious ideas? I might even write my next dissertation as a TikTok interpretive dance routine!”
However, supporters of Dr. Fiddlebottom-Smythe’s thesis remain steadfast in their convictions. A group of concerned mothers has already petitioned to ban TikTok in libraries and is lobbying for mandatory waltz lessons to counteract the perceived cultural decline.
One thing is certain: the debate over the seriousness of silly dances is poised to continue. And as the next viral dance craze goes global, Dr. Fiddlebottom-Smythe waits, poised to pen another strongly worded essay titled “The Macarena and the Fall of the Roman Empire: A Comparative Analysis.”