By Chip Byteley
In a bid to revitalize a sport some consider slightly less stimulating than competitive knitting, the powers that be in the world of golf have announced a shocking new rule: the holes now move.
“It was time to shake things up,” yawns Bartholomew Boringworth, a professional golf commentator known for his monotone play-by-play descriptions of blades of grass swaying in the breeze. “We need to jazz up the sport, attract a new generation!”
The logistics of this are, as you might guess, chaotic. Holes are now equipped with motorized bases, zipping about the green according to complex algorithms to evade even the most perfectly placed putts. Greenskeepers nervously pilot joysticks from discreet bunkers, resembling gamers rather than grounds staff.
Pro golfers, used to meticulous calculations based on wind direction and their choice of iron, are flabbergasted. Putts curve in bizarre directions as if repelled by anti-magnetic forces. Shots that would have been a hole-in-one now disappear down a suddenly vanished cup, mere inches from their target.
Initial reactions are mixed. “This is an abomination!” bellows a veteran golfer, flinging his nine-iron in the general direction of a fleeing hole. But there’s a flicker of intrigue in his eyes. Could this insanity actually make the game…fun?
Unexpectedly, a new breed of golfer emerges. Twitch gamers, accustomed to unpredictable targets, feel oddly at home on the greens. Children, delighted by the absurdity, out-putt their snobby elders. The meme potential is, of course, spectacular.
Soon, moving holes become only the first twist. Obstacle courses appear on fairways, with players forced to bounce their balls off giant inflatable squirrels, or maneuver around strategically placed wind machines. The traditional hushed reverence of the course is replaced by the gleeful shouts of golfers more accustomed to miniature putt-putt than country clubs.
Golf purists weep into their single malt Scotch. But secretly, even they can’t deny the strange thrill of chasing that rogue hole as it gleefully taunts them across the green. The sport may have been dragged kicking and screaming into a new era, and while the change feels blasphemous, it’s also just a tiny bit ridiculous enough to work.