By Polly Tickle
The government has unveiled its latest legislative novelty: the introduction of a new unit of measurement known as the “Shrink.” This innovative metric is designed to accurately reflect the ongoing phenomenon of grocery portion declines, a trend that has left consumers puzzled and, often, peckish.
The “Shrink” is defined as the unit of measure representing the difference between the original size of a grocery product and its current, more diminutive form. For instance, if a chocolate bar originally weighed 100 grams but has since been reduced to 80 grams, that reduction would be quantified as 20 “Shrinks.”
This groundbreaking proposal was announced during an emergency session of the “Committee for the Preservation of Full-Sized Snacks and Beverages,” a newly formed body that has quickly become the most popular committee among members of Parliament, for reasons both gustatory and fiscal. The chairperson of the committee, while munching on what appeared to be a significantly smaller-than-remembered packet of crisps, declared, “It’s high time we address the elephant in the room—or rather, the shrinking elephant.”
Critics of the new measurement have been quick to voice their concerns, with representatives from the food and beverage industry labeling it as “unnecessary” and “a recipe for confusion.” However, consumer advocacy groups have hailed it as a step towards transparency, arguing that it will help shoppers make more informed decisions about their purchases.
In an exclusive interview with Crustian Satirical Daily News, a senior scientist from the National Bureau of Standards and Measures shared insights into the calibration process for the “Shrink.” “It’s quite complex,” she explained, adjusting her lab coat. “We had to develop a whole new set of scales and mathematical models. Who knew that measuring disappointment would require such sophisticated equipment?”
To aid in the public’s understanding of this new standard, the government plans to launch an educational campaign featuring a mascot named “Shrinky,” a cartoon character that magically loses parts of its body to illustrate the concept of the “Shrink.” Early storyboard sketches suggest scenes of Shrinky trying to make a sandwich with increasingly smaller slices of bread, much to the character’s chagrin.
As the nation braces for the official rollout of the “Shrink,” questions abound regarding its impact on consumer behavior and market practices. Will other countries adopt this peculiarly British unit of measurement? Will there be an international standard for “Shrinks”? And most importantly, will Shrinky become the beloved icon of consumer rights, or merely a fleeting symbol of our collective frustration with getting less bang for our buck?
Only time, and perhaps a few more committee meetings (complete with snack breaks for observational research), will tell.
Chip Byteley