“Hangover Cure” Products Flood Market, All Are Alcoholic

In a development that has baffled doctors and delighted pub regulars, the hangover cure market has exploded with innovative new products. The catch? They’re all gloriously, unapologetically alcoholic.

Leading the charge is the “Hair of the Dog” energy drink, which boasts a potent blend of vodka, bacon grease, and questionable electrolytes. “It fights fire with fire!” proclaims the CEO, a man with suspiciously bloodshot eyes and a lingering scent of whiskey.

Not to be outdone, the “Rebound Martini” promises to vanquish hangovers with the very thing that caused them. Available in classic olive-garnished and extra-dry varieties, it’s marketed as “the breakfast of champions and the truly desperate.”

Other notable entries in the hangover cure arms race include:

• “The Bloody Mary IV Drip:” Delivered directly into your bloodstream for maximum efficiency.
• “Mimosa Suppositories:” For those who insist on a touch of class, even while curled up in the fetal position.
• “Beergarita:” A tequila-infused margarita served in a frosty beer mug. Because why choose?

The medical community is, unsurprisingly, horrified. “This is like treating a sunburn with a flamethrower,” lamented Dr. Emily Headache, a leading hangover researcher, while massaging her temples. “Sure, you might temporarily forget your misery, but the underlying problem is getting exponentially worse.”

Predictably, these new “cures” are finding a receptive audience among those who believe the only way to overcome a hangover is to simply keep the party going. “Look, if I’m going to feel like a truck hit me,” reasoned Phil, a seasoned drinker and early investor in the “Rebound Martini” company, “I might as well enjoy the ride, right?”

As the trend continues, experts predict even more outlandish hangover remedies. A whisper on the wind suggests a “Whiskey-Infused Oxygen Bar” is already in development, promising pure boozy air to soothe aching heads and throbbing regrets. One thing’s for sure: solving the age-old problem of hangovers might just prove more difficult, and more entertaining, than anyone initially imagined.