By Polly Tickle
The beaches of Haiti were just expecting the usual tide of tourists. Instead, they’re about to receive a surge of heavily armed vacationers as Kenyan police officers begin their unusual UN-sponsored “tropical anti-gang training.” The initiative has inadvertently launched an eyebrow-raising new trend: tactical beachwear.
“We’re taking work-life balance to the next level,” chuckled Inspector Mwangi, squeezing an extra pair of mirrored sunglasses into a suitcase overflowing with combat boots and SPF 50. “Gang suppression, tropical sunsets, and all-inclusive rum drinks? Talk about a well-rounded mission.”
The UN, scrambling to salvage their well-intentioned plan, insists this is the perfect mix of on-the-ground experience and “mindfulness techniques.” A spokesperson droned on about “the proven calming effect of ocean waves and the importance of Vitamin D for stress relief.”
Meanwhile, fashion houses are scrambling. Bulletproof vests are suddenly adorned with hibiscus prints, while helmet manufacturers are hastily integrating stylish sun visors. “Tactical Chic” is the word on everyone’s lips, as designers wrestle with combining Caribbean vibes and life-saving ballistic protection.
Haiti, understandably, is feeling a bit confused. Beachfront bar owners are hastily constructing sandbag cocktail stations, and confused tourists are double-checking their brochures to make sure they didn’t accidentally book a trip into a combat zone.
“We were promised fruity cocktails, not cops working on their SWAT team maneuvers!” spluttered one disgruntled German sunbather. “If I wanted this kind of excitement, I would have stayed home and called the police on my noisy neighbors.”
Whether this new brand of “combat tourism” helps Haiti or simply creates the world’s tensest beach scene remains to be seen. One thing’s for sure: if you see someone strolling the sand in a Kevlar tankini this summer, don’t offer to help with their sunscreen.