By Polly Tickle
In a move that blurs the line between salvation and a theme park ride, a prominent megachurch has announced the installation of an “Express Lane” for donations. Worshippers with top-tier offerings can now skip the line at the collection plate, ensuring their path to heavenly reward is both swift and efficient.
“We understand that our most devoted members value their time,” declared Pastor Joel Goldstone, flashing a megawatt smile. “The Righteousness Express Pass ensures their generosity is prioritized, both on Earth and in the eyes of the Lord.”
The pricing structure reflects a multi-tiered approach to holiness:
- Bronze Level: (Standard Offering) For those on a spiritual budget, the traditional donation plate is still available.
- Silver Level: (Blessing Booster) Includes express lane access, plus a personalized thank-you note from Pastor Goldstone.
- Gold Level: (Salvation Supreme) Guarantees front-row seating, VIP access to after-service socials, and a potential speaking part in the Christmas pageant (pastors reserve the right to veto based on acting ability).
Critics are decrying the move as nothing short of selling indulgences with a modern twist. “This turns faith into a transaction,” fumes an outraged theologian. “It’s the antithesis of Christian values.”
Yet, early uptake of the Express Pass has been surprisingly high. Members cite the convenience and satisfaction of feeling their donation has maximum impact. “Sure, it costs a bit extra,” admits Sarah, a Gold Level donor, “But think of it as an investment in my eternal future!”
The church has expanded the concept, now offering:
- Prayer Pods: For an additional fee, worshippers can utilize a private booth with noise-canceling headphones for uninterrupted communication with the Almighty.
- Hymnal Remix Membership: Allows the selection of your favorite worship songs, played at top volume during services, ensuring your voice is heard above the congregation.
Social media is abuzz with satirical takes:
- “Finally, my excessive wealth can buy me what truly matters: an audience with God.” -@Money_Talks
- “Maybe next they’ll offer priority boarding for the Rapture?” – @NotBuyingIt
Religious scholars warn that this trend undermines the core message of faith as a spiritual journey, not a commercial transaction. Whether the Righteousness Express Pass will lead to a surge in conversions or a public relations crisis only time will tell. One thing’s for sure, the megachurch has redefined the term “fasting” in more ways than one.
Chip Byteley