Nestlé CEO Reminds Us He Owns Most of Earth’s Drinkable Water. It’s a Gift, Really

Nestlé CEO Ulf Mark Schneider took a brief break from raking in billions to remind the world just how much he cares about our hydration. During a recent press conference, a teary-eyed Schneider revealed that, as a result of Nestlé’s tireless efforts to privatize water resources, he personally owns a vast majority of the planet’s remaining drinkable water.

“Think of it as a gift,” Schneider explained, his voice choked with emotion. “I know, I know, it may seem counterintuitive that one man should have such control over the very essence of life. But trust me, I’m the best person for the job. I have spreadsheets, and marketing experts, and a team of lawyers ready to exploit any legal loophole for maximum profit. I understand water better than anyone!”

Schneider went on to elaborate on the many benefits of Nestlé’s water domination. “Now, instead of simply getting water from the tap, a wasteful and unsustainable practice, you can enjoy the thrill of purchasing it at an exorbitant markup! Imagine the sense of pride you’ll feel, handing over your hard-earned cash in exchange for the fundamental right to not die of thirst!”

Critics have been quick to point out that Nestlé’s practices have led to water shortages, environmental degradation, and the exploitation of impoverished communities. “Oh, those pesky naysayers,” Schneider chuckled, sipping from a crystal chalice filled with what is likely the last untainted water source on Earth. “They simply don’t understand the complexities of the free market. Besides, if people in those…less fortunate areas… wanted water, they should have simply bought stock in Nestlé decades ago.”

Schneider concluded the press conference with a simple yet powerful message: “Remember, every time you feel those pangs of thirst, every time you see a withered plant or a dried-up riverbed, think of me. Think of the incredible sacrifices I’ve made to be in this position. And most importantly, think about buying more bottled water. My shareholders and I thank you.”

Disclaimer: Excessive consumption of bottled water may lead to depleted bank accounts and a heightened sense of existential despair. Nestlé assumes no responsibility for the moral outrage this article might induce.