By Chip Byteley
Get ready to swipe right on suffering! A revolutionary new app promises to gamify famine relief efforts, allowing you to sponsor a dying child’s desperate search for water in crisis-hit regions like Gaza and Sudan – all from the comfort of your couch.
“It’s like Farmville,” explains the app’s grinning developer, whose alarmingly cheerful demeanor clashes with the subject matter, “but instead of virtual crops, you’re cultivating real-world survival. Think of it as guilt-fueled entertainment with a side of potential good deeds!”
Here’s how it works: Browse through heart-wrenching profiles of children, their skeletal frames and pleading eyes optimized for maximum emotional impact. Once you’ve selected your “player,” you can track their well-digging progress in real-time. Exciting updates like “Hit a rock!” and “Nearing groundwater!” will add suspense to the experience.
Upgrade to premium for additional features like sending pre-written motivational messages (“Keep digging!”), and decorating your child’s profile with cheery stickers. For true enthusiasts, in-app purchases offer virtual shovels for your child, sure to increase their progress by…well, not at all, but they look nice!
The app has been criticized for its disturbing detachment, turning unimaginable suffering into a digital distraction. “It desensitizes us to the realities of famine,” says Dr. Anya Rao, an expert on humanitarian aid. “Complex crises are reduced to a game, while actual solutions – addressing conflict, poverty, climate change – get ignored.”
Defenders of the app argue that any engagement is better than none. “Look, people are busy,” says one user, pausing briefly between Candy Crush rounds. “At least this way, I’m vaguely aware there’s a problem. Plus, my kid loves it!”
As the death toll rises in famine-stricken regions, the app’s popularity soars. Reviews are glowing: “So addictive!” raves one user. “I was nervous about the time commitment, but it turns out, most of the kids die pretty fast. Makes it easy to play between meetings!”
Disclaimer: While a disturbingly plausible concept, this app is (thankfully) fictional. Famine is not a game. If you want to make a real difference, please donate to reputable aid organizations working on the frontlines. Your money is better spent on wells, food, and medicine than on morbidly entertaining gamification of human suffering.
Liv N. Large 
Polly Tickle