New Self-Help Book Teaches How to Overthink More Efficiently

Sick of scattered ruminations? Tired of wasting time on unproductive mental spirals? Well, fret no more! The latest self-help phenomenon, “The Zen of Overthinking: How to Achieve Peak Existential Dread in Record Time,” promises to revolutionize your inner critic and help you worry like a professional.

“Overthinking isn’t about quantity, it’s about quality,” emphasizes its author, Guru Gwen Guru, whose perpetually furrowed brow speaks volumes about her dedication to the practice. “With our techniques, you can transform a fleeting doubt into a full-blown life crisis in minutes!”

The book is a manifesto for neurotic excellence. Step one? Bypass mundane anxieties and aim for grand-scale despair. Ponder the heat death of the universe, the probability that you live in a simulation, and the devastating possibility that you used the wrong tone of voice with a barista years ago.

Chapter two delves into the art of the “what-if” rabbit hole. “What if aliens invaded tomorrow, but you’d already used your PTO?” the book posits. “What if your childhood goldfish was secretly a mastermind plotting revenge?”

The book also features handy tips for insomniacs. “Replay a cringe-worthy memory on a loop for maximum sleeplessness!” is one gem of advice.

Unsurprisingly, the book is flying off shelves (and keeping therapists very, very busy). “Finally, a guide that validates my spiraling thoughts,” raves one chronic overthinker. “Now, instead of simply spiraling, I spiral with purpose!”

Critics, however, see this as a step in the wrong direction. “Enabling and even celebrating overthinking is harmful,” warns psychologist, Dr. Susan Sensible. “True mental wellbeing is about letting go, not clinging tighter to our fears.”

Guru remains unfazed, already planning an upcoming spin-off: “The Power of Regret: How to Maximize Second-Guessing for a Lifetime of Misery.” She predicts it will be another bestseller.

Whether “The Zen of Overthinking” is the path to enlightenment or a recipe for an anxiety-ridden disaster remains to be seen. But, if you find yourself lying awake at night, obsessively analyzing a text message you sent three years ago…this book might be distressingly for you.