Pharmaceutical Companies Announce New Drug to Treat Side Effects of Having Too Much Money

Big Pharma Solves Ultimate First-World Problem: Announces Pill to Combat the Debilitating Symptoms of Excessive Wealth

In a move that’s either a stroke of genius or a sign of a world gone completely mad, major pharmaceutical companies have unveiled a new wonder drug designed to treat the previously untreatable: the debilitating side effects of having too much money.

Introducing “Ennui-Away,” a carefully formulated cocktail of neurotransmitters to alleviate existential ennui, suppress feelings of guilt associated with obscene privilege, and cure that nagging suspicion that material possessions might not be the path to true fulfillment.

“We understand the unique suffering of the affluent,” proclaims Dr. Beatrice Bigbucks, head researcher and owner of a suspiciously large yacht. “The crushing weight of limitless options, the boredom of designer shoes no longer sparking joy…Ennui-Away is the answer!”

The symptoms, it seems, are surprisingly pervasive. “I woke up in my silk-covered king-sized bed, overlooking my infinity pool, and thought, ‘Is this all there is?'” laments a wealthy heiress and trial patient for the drug. “Ennui-Away took the edge off, now I’m back to blissfully shopping!”

Of course, Ennui-Away comes with the same barrage of warnings that accompany most antidepressants. Side effects may include: increased complacency towards social injustice, sudden and inexplicable cravings for caviar, and a heightened sense of entitlement.

The drug’s release hasn’t been without controversy. “Peddling pills to mask underlying societal issues is immoral,” argues Dr. Sanjay Conscience, who stubbornly adheres to the belief that the cure for societal ills is societal change, not mind-altering substances.

Yet, the market for Ennui-Away is booming. The wealthy are lining up for a remedy for their existential malaise. Social media now buzzes with influencers dispensing advice like, “Feeling down because your yacht is slightly smaller than your nemesis’? Pop an Ennui-Away and get back to shopping!”

Whether Ennui-Away represents a genuine medical breakthrough or a bandaid solution for the deep-rooted problems caused by extreme wealth inequality remains to be seen. But one thing’s for sure: the creators of Ennui-Away won’t be needing a prescription for it any time soon. They’re too busy swimming in their Scrooge McDuck-esque vault full of profits.