By Polly Tickle
In a crackdown on questionable fashion choices and a surprising display of sartorial policing, police departments across the nation found themselves issuing a record number of citations this St. Patrick’s Day. The offense? Inappropriate, excessive, and downright gaudy use of shamrock-shaped sunglasses.
Officers, clearly overwhelmed by a sea of blindingly green novelty eyewear, set up makeshift “Sunglasses Sobriety Checkpoints” outside pubs and parade routes. Revelers were subjected to rigorous style evaluations, with offenders handed fines and stern lectures on the importance of good taste and retina safety.
“We understand it’s a festive occasion,” explained a weary Sergeant O’Malley, his eyes twitching slightly behind his regulation mirrored aviators, “but there’s a limit. Bedecked in oversized, neon-green shamrock glasses, especially when paired with a “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” t-shirt and a leprechaun hat? That’s a crime against common sense, not to mention a potential traffic hazard for those blinded by the glare.”
The fashion world, usually immune to practicality, has voiced support for the crackdown. “Enough is enough,” declared renowned designer Pierre Chic with a shudder, “the annual assault of those shamrock monstrosities is an affront to the eyes. I blame the dollar stores – they’re encouraging sartorial anarchy!”
The citations have sparked a mix of outrage and sheepishness amongst St. Patrick’s Day revelers. Some argue the crackdown infringes on their right to festive self-expression. Others, confronted with photographic evidence of their questionable eyewear choices (garnished with beads and glitter for extra flair), reluctantly accept they might have crossed a line.
Underground markets have already sprung up, offering discreet “sunglasses swaps” for those desperate to avoid a hefty fine and public shaming. Meanwhile, police departments are rumored to be offering “Offender Sensitivity Training” sessions, involving mandatory viewings of classic Irish films and an in-depth discussion on the cultural significance of the shamrock (spoiler alert: it’s not about looking like a giant leprechaun).
As St. Patrick’s Day festivities draw to a close, one thing is certain: next year, revelers might think twice before reaching for those oversized shamrock sunglasses. The fashion police are watching, and their citations come with a side of stinging judgment.
Chip Byteley 
Dominick