By Polly Tickle
In an unprecedented move that has sent shockwaves through the political landscape, the Commission on Presidential Debates has announced that all future presidential debates will now feature live lie detector tests, a decision that has reportedly left former President Donald Trump and President Joe Biden sweating bullets. The new rule, dubbed the “Truth or Consequence” initiative, aims to ensure that candidates remain truthful throughout the debates, providing a live fact-checking feed that will display results instantaneously on screens for both the audience in the hall and viewers at home.
Trump, known for his flamboyant rhetoric and casual relationship with facts, expressed his concern, stating, “I’ve always said the truth, even when I didn’t,” causing a stir among his advisers who are now scrambling to find a way to make the lie detector test “great again.” Sources close to the former president reveal that he’s considering a rigorous training regimen with a team of magicians to learn the art of misdirection, hoping it might sway the polygraph.
On the other side of the aisle, President Biden, whose verbal gaffes are legendary, reportedly muttered, “Lie detectors? Next, they’ll want us to take a test on Twitter etiquette,” before wandering off to a meeting that had ended half an hour earlier. His campaign team is purportedly exploring the possibility of translating his responses into Morse code, believing the lie detector might struggle to interpret the nuances of his lengthy anecdotes about his political career and personal encounters with historical figures.
The announcement has been met with a mix of disbelief and enthusiasm from the public, with many Americans curious to see how the candidates will navigate the challenge. Political analysts are already speculating on the potential impact on campaign strategies, with some suggesting that candidates might resort to communicating entirely through interpretive dance to avoid setting off the lie detector.
Satirical advocacy groups have hailed the decision as a step forward for political transparency, with the spokesperson for the National Association for the Advancement of Sarcastic People (NAASP) commenting, “Finally, a debate format that matches the circus of our political system. We can’t wait to see which candidate manages to perform the most convincing pantomime of honesty.”
As the nation braces for what might be the most honest—or at least, the most entertaining—presidential debates in history, one thing is clear: the road to the White House just got a lot more complicated, and possibly more honest, but definitely more absurd.