The Devil May Need Air Conditioning: Belief in Hell Declines as Earth Gets Uncomfortably Warm

Survey results released by a bewildered Pew Research Center revealed a sharp decline in belief in the traditional concept of Hell. The downward trend directly correlates with increasingly hellish temperatures experienced globally due to climate change.

“Turns out, when Earth starts feeling a lot like an eternal fiery inferno, the whole lake-of-fire-and-pitchforks scenario loses its fear factor,” notes Dr. Anya Rao, a sociologist specializing in religious trends. “Familiarity, in this case, breeds existential weariness more than devout terror.”

The survey included testimonials that paint a grim picture of waning religious conviction:

• “I used to worry about burning in hellfire,” confesses a sweat-soaked farmer in Texas. “Then I spent a summer battling wildfires and record heat. Honestly, the afterlife can’t be much worse than this.”
• “Sweating through my third shirt of the day, dodging floods on the subway… and they expect me to be scared of some guy with horns? He’s probably begging for a transfer to Alaska,” remarks a disgruntled New York City commuter.

The Devil, reached for comment via a crackling phone line with a distinctly sulfuric odor, expressed both annoyance and a hint of grudging respect. “Gotta give it to these mortals,” he rasped. “They’re really committing to this whole climate disaster thing. Might have some job openings soon at this rate.”

Theological scholars are scrambling to adapt. Modern depictions of Hell are shifting from the classic fire and brimstone to scenes eerily familiar to anyone who has endured a heatwave without air conditioning: endless traffic jams, malfunctioning technology, and the crushing despair of never finding an open ice cream shop.

Some opportunistic entrepreneurs see profit in the rising temperatures. “Hell-Proof Your Home!” kits are flying off shelves, offering flimsy fans for exorbitant prices and dubious “Anti-Eternal-Damnation” insurance policies.

Despite the theological upheaval, environmental experts see a silver lining. “Perhaps if enough people realize they’re already living through a version of Hell,” Dr. Rao suggests, “they might finally be motivated to actually do something about it.”

As the planet swelters, the debate rages on. Are we witnessing a crisis of faith, or a turning point in the fight against climate change? Only time, and a drastic reduction in carbon emissions, will tell.