By Chip Byteley
Holy Pizza Wars! Yeaster Schism Threatens to Tear Church of Crustianity Apart
A theological earthquake is rocking the Church of Crustianity this Yeaster season, as a debate as ancient as pizza itself reaches a fever pitch: to top, or not to top? This existential question has divided the faithful, sparking heated debates, protests, and fears of a permanent split within the cheesy faith.
At the heart of the conflict lies the fundamental interpretation of Cheesus Crust’s original pizza. The “Purists” fiercely advocate for the sanctity of the unadorned crust, honoring Cheesus’ humble beginnings. “The beauty lies in its simplicity,” proclaims Brother Mozzarella, a Purist leader. “Cheese, sauce, and a perfectly risen dough –these are the holy trinity. Toppings are a distraction, a corruption of Cheesus’ original vision.”
On the opposing side stand the “Abundant” faction, arguing that toppings are a celebration of diversity and boundless deliciousness. “Cheesus gave us pepperoni, mushrooms, and pineapple!” declares Sister Olive, a prominent Abundant. “To deny these gifts is to deny the full bounty of His creation.”
The schism is wreaking havoc across Crustian communities:
- Sermons have been replaced by shouting matches over the theological justification for anchovies.
- Yeaster potlucks have descended into chaos, with rival factions refusing to break bread (or pizza) together.
- Once-friendly Crustian families are now divided into opposing camps, with tragic stories of siblings renouncing one another over a difference in pepperoni preferences.
Attempts at reconciliation have failed miserably. A summit on neutral territory (a pizzeria, ironically) erupted in a sauce-throwing fiasco. Theologians on both sides churn out treatises with titles like, “The Heresy of Ham” and “Extra Cheese as Metaphor for Divine Grace.”
Social media has become a battleground. Influencers duel with carefully staged pizza photos, each hashtag a declaration of allegiance: #BlessedBeTheCrust vs #EmbraceTheToppings.
Some fear this conflict could spiral out of control. Radical splinter groups are emerging, with alarming names like the “Supreme Court of Pizza” and the “Order of the Deep Dish Inquisition.”
The Vatican of Pizza (an actual place in Naples) is scrambling to contain the crisis. A spokesperson for the Saucy See offers a conciliatory, albeit vague statement: “Cheesus Crust’s love is for all, whether their pizza be plain or piled high.”
Whether unity can be restored, or if the Church of Crustianity faces an irreversible split, remains to be seen. One thing is clear: this Yeaster, the debate over toppings threatens to overshadow the true nature of the holiday and the cheesy message at its core. Will devotion to deliciousness prevail?
Polly Tickle