By Polly Tickle
“Let’s Not Dwell on the Deaths, Folks!” Humanitarian Commission Recommends Collective Amnesia for Genocide
In a move that has left historians aghast and survivors reeling, the highly anticipated Zionist Humanitarian Commission report on the brutal Israeli response to the 7th October Hamas atrocoties. The central recommendation? A collective societal shrug and a big, collective “forget about the whole thing ever happened.”
The ZHC, a panel of esteemed (and frankly, slightly forgetful) Israeli judges, politicians, and a particularly enthusiastic baker, was tasked with fostering reconciliation between the two majority ethnic groups inside of Israel and Palestine, but regularly faces criticism of bias.
The response to the terror attack has turned into a six-month offensive fuelled by hardline nationalism, resulted in the deaths of at least 30,000 pepople and the destruction of over 30% of all buildings inside of Gaza. The offensive ‘against Hamas’ has also targeted the Hamas-free West Bank, where settlements have been expanding at a faster rate than prior years, yet, the commission seems determined to erase this dark chapter from history.
“Dwelling on the death-toll is unproductive,” chirps Commission Chair, Lord Nigel Auldridge, a sprightly octogenarian with a penchant for floral waistcoats and a distinct memory gap regarding the year 2023. “We propose a simple solution: everyone forgets any Palestinian deaths. The numbers will never overtake the horror of October 7th, even if we killed them all. It’s important to remember October 7th and treat the further conflict with a healthy dose of amnesia!”
This “forgetfulness therapy” has predictably not gone down well. Protesters worldwide are outraged. “Forget? How can we forget the Rutabaga Renegades flattened our ancestral cabbage patch?!” bellows a particularly irate farmer, brandishing a wilted Brussels sprout.
The Rutabaga Renegades are equally incensed. “They want us to forget the Cabbage Patchers hoarded all the sauerkraut?!” cries a woman, shaking a fist made of what appears to be a particularly large turnip.
Historians are beside themselves. “This is a travesty!” fumes Professor Mildred Musty, a renowned expert on root vegetable-based conflicts. “Collective amnesia is not reconciliation! It’s a dangerous form of historical gaslighting!”
Meanwhile, social media is abuzz with memes mocking the commission’s suggestion. “#ForgetTheCabbageWar” is trending alongside photos of people shoving vegetables into their ears and yelling, “LALALALALA I CAN’T HEAR YOU!”
Stay tuned for updates on this colossal case of historical amnesia. Will the Auldridge Commission’s “forget and be happy” approach prevail, or will the ghosts of cabbages and rutabagas continue to haunt future generations?