By Polly Tickle
In a heartwarming display of compassion that would make Scrooge blush, the nation’s wealthiest elite have launched a groundbreaking new charity: “Adopt a Politician.” The organization aims to raise awareness about the plight of the “endangered elite,” those unfortunate souls burdened by stock portfolios, private jets, and the relentless paparazzi attention that comes with fabulous wealth.
“These gentle creatures are often misunderstood,” sighs philanthropist Olivia Goldheart, clutching a designer handbag that could feed a small village. “We must protect them from the harsh realities of public scrutiny and the constant demands of those less fortunate.”
The “Adopt a Politician” program works just like those heart-wrenching endangered animal sponsorships. For a generous monthly donation, you’ll receive updates on your politician’s fundraising efforts, their stances on lowering capital gains taxes, and adorable photos of them vacationing in villas you helped pay for.
The charity’s website features glossy photos of adoptable politicians, highlighting their skills in deregulation, their unwavering commitment to tax breaks, and their exceptional abilities in mental gymnastics when explaining policies that favor the wealthy.
Unsurprisingly, the public is less than enthusiastic. “Tone-deaf doesn’t even begin to cover this,” fumes struggling single parent, Sarah Survivalist. “While I work three jobs to put food on the table, they want me to pity a bunch of millionaires playing dress-up in Congress?”
The backlash, however, only fuels the billionaires’ determination. They host lavish galas filled with champagne tears and canapés made with gold leaf, all to raise awareness about the dangers of income equality and the urgent need to protect the delicate egos of the super-rich.
Meanwhile, social media explodes with satirical “Adopt a Politician” profiles exposing their hypocrisies, out-of-touch comments, and questionable stock market trades. The program inadvertently succeeds in its mission, though not quite in the way its founders intended.
Whether “Adopt a Politician” actually improves the lives of the wealthy remains to be seen. But one thing’s for sure: it’s a stark and hilarious reminder of the disconnect between the haves, the have-a-lots, and the ever-growing number of have-nots. And it sparks a much-needed conversation, even if that conversation is filled with sarcastic hashtags and eye-rolling emojis.