Corporate Meeting Declared New Form of Human Torture by UN

The United Nations has officially classified long corporate meetings as a new form of human torture. This declaration came after an extensive study revealed that excessive exposure to pointless PowerPoint presentations, endless buzzwords, and circular discussions could cause significant psychological distress.

The UN report, titled “Death by Meeting: The Hidden Workplace Hazard,” outlines the dire effects of overlong meetings, including symptoms such as acute boredom, existential dread, and a condition now being referred to as “Meeting Induced Lethargy Syndrome” (MILS). “Participants subjected to back-to-back meetings displayed signs of severe mental fatigue, comparable to those experienced by individuals in extreme isolation,” explained a UN spokesperson during the press release.

The study began after numerous complaints were filed by office workers around the globe, describing the torture of sitting through marathon sessions of corporate jargon and aimless chatter. “It was either bring this issue to light or continue to suffer in silence,” said one office worker who testified before the UN panel, their identity concealed for fear of being called into a meeting about the meeting.

In response to the findings, the UN is urging corporations worldwide to adopt new guidelines that limit meetings to 30 minutes and ban the use of buzzwords such as “synergize,” “pivot,” and “on the same page.” Additionally, PowerPoint presentations are to be used sparingly, with a strict ban on slides that simply restate what the speaker is saying.

The business community has reacted with a mix of shock and indignation. A CEO of a major multinational corporation, who insisted on remaining anonymous, stated, “Meetings are where we pretend to solve problems that didn’t exist until we started discussing them. If we can’t meet, what are we supposed to do? Work?”

Meanwhile, office workers have celebrated the UN’s decision, with impromptu parties breaking out in break rooms—none of which, reportedly, involved a meeting to plan them. Social media has exploded with the hashtag #MeetingsAreTorture, with users sharing their worst meeting experiences and creative ways they’ve managed to stay awake through the ordeal.

As corporations scramble to adjust to these new guidelines, the world waits to see if this decision will lead to a more efficient, less meeting-centric workplace culture. In the meantime, workers are enjoying what many are calling “the first good news of the decade.”