By Polly Tickle
In a startling revelation that has taken the Democratic Party by storm, strategists have just discovered the existence of what experts are calling “The Arab Vote,” a previously overlooked demographic that has suddenly become crucial for the upcoming elections. The epiphany, which occurred during a late-night Google search by a junior staffer, has prompted the party to launch the “We’ve Always Cared, Honestly” campaign in a bid to woo Arab and Muslim American voters.
“We were as surprised as anyone to discover that Arab and Muslim Americans have political opinions and voting rights,” admitted the Democratic National Committee’s Director of Sudden Realizations. “But now that we know, we’re 110% committed to pretending we’ve always been their biggest supporters.”
The campaign rollout has been rapid and slightly awkward, featuring a series of hastily organized events, including “Hummus with Harris” and “Biden’s Baklava Bonanza.” Critics have pointed out that these efforts, while delicious, might not be enough to address the deeper issues and concerns of the Arab and Muslim communities in the U.S.
In response to the criticism, the DNC unveiled its new slogan: “Better Late Than Never?” alongside promotional materials featuring Joe Biden wearing a keffiyeh and attempting, with mixed success, to dance the dabke. “We’re all about cultural appreciation,” explained a campaign spokesperson, while frantically Googling ‘Arab-American contributions to society.’
The sudden shift in strategy has not gone unnoticed by Arab and Muslim voters, many of whom are skeptical of the Democrats’ newfound enthusiasm. “It’s like they’ve just realized we’re here, and now they’re overcompensating,” commented one voter, who received a DNC pamphlet titled “We Heart the Middle East: A Definitely Comprehensive Guide.”
Republicans have been quick to criticize the Democrats’ campaign, though they too appeared to be unclear on the specifics of the Arab and Muslim American communities. “We’ve always valued our Arab and Muslim citizens,” stated a GOP spokesperson, before quietly asking an aide what the difference is between Sunni and Shia.
As the elections draw near, the Democratic Party is scrambling to make up for lost time, with plans to introduce legislation recognizing “National Falafel Day” and proposing a “Camel Corps” for the U.S. Army. “We’re committed to winning the Arab and Muslim vote,” declared the DNC, “or at least to Googling what they care about before November.”
Whether these efforts will sway voters remains to be seen, but one thing is clear: the Arab and Muslim American communities are enjoying an unprecedented moment in the political spotlight, complete with all the falafel they can eat.