By Chip Byteley
Forget paying bills on time or doing your own taxes – the dictionary has officially lowered the bar for adulthood. In a move reflecting the crushing existential despair of the millennial generation, the Oxford English Dictionary announced a new secondary definition for ‘adulting’: “The practice of behaving in a waycharacteristic of a responsible adult, especially the accomplishment of mundane but necessary tasks while internally questioning the meaning of existence.”
The announcement sent shockwaves through social media. “I knew I wasn’t just lazy!” exclaimed one relieved-yet-slightly-pathetic Twitter user. “VINDICATION!” screamed another, presumably while folding laundry and wondering why folding laundry even seems necessary in the grand scheme of the universe.
Psychologists are both elated and concerned. “This is a positive step towards acknowledging the unique anxieties of modern adulthood,” says Dr. Beatrice Burnout. “However, it’s important to not normalize a constant state of barely-controlled panic.”
While the new definition offers a sense of solidarity (we’re all just fumbling along!), it also highlights a grim reality. Gone are the days when adulthood promised stability and a vague sense of accomplishment. Now, it’s more like “not setting anything on fire” constitutes a good day.
Of course, this shift is not without its benefits. Hiring trends show an uptick in “Professional Couch Potato – Expert Level” and “Caffeine Drip Sommelier” positions. Parents are finding they can lower expectations for their own kids: “Well, dear, at least you’re not crying AND scrolling through real estate you’ll never afford. That’s growth!”
Yet, there’s an undercurrent of unease. If basic survival is the new standard, what does that say about our collective future? Will self-care tips devolve into “Instructions on how to operate a bathtub without accidentally summoning an eldritch horror of despair?”
For now, the dictionary’s update stands as a hilariously bleak testament to modern life. So, next time you find yourself questioning your life choices while paying an overdue parking ticket, take comfort in knowing you’re a textbook case of adulting. Just don’t think too deeply about the crushing weight of your own insignificance, okay?
Liv N. Large