By Polly Tickle
In an era where a quick Google search can convince anyone they’re just a scalpel away from being a surgeon, a revolutionary new product has hit the market, aimed at the most audacious of DIY enthusiasts. Introducing the DIY Home Surgery Kit, a comprehensive package for those who believe a medical degree is just a piece of paper and that WebMD has provided them with all the training they need to perform their own appendectomies.
The Ultimate in Self-Care
The DIY Home Surgery Kit comes equipped with everything the aspiring home surgeon might need: scalpels, clamps, an anesthesia mask (with a detailed DIY guide on anesthetics mixing – because what could go wrong?), and, most importantly, a step-by-step instruction manual illustrated with emojis for ease of understanding.
Surgeon? I Barely Know ‘Er!
Why wait in long hospital queues and fill out endless forms when you can simply lay out on your dining table and get to work? With the DIY Home Surgery Kit, you’re not just the patient; you’re the doctor, nurse, and anesthesiologist all rolled into one. It’s the ultimate test of multitasking abilities and pain threshold.
Safety First (Kind Of)
Each kit also includes a complimentary roll of duct tape for those “just in case” moments when stitches seem too complicated, and a pack of band-aids for that professional post-op look. As for sterilization, the kit provides a bottle of vodka – dual-purpose for disinfecting instruments and calming nerves (yours, presumably, since you’re alone).
Educational Videos
For the visual learners, the kit offers access to an exclusive library of how-to videos, ranging from “Removing Your Appendix in 10 Easy Steps” to “DIY Heart Bypass: Challenge Level – Expert.” These videos are hosted by actors who assure you they’ve watched plenty of medical dramas, so they’re practically professionals.
Disclaimer Delight
Naturally, the kit comes with a disclaimer longer than the manual itself, ensuring that users are well aware that performing surgery on oneself is generally considered a bad idea by 9 out of 10 doctors (the 10th being too speechless to comment).
The Perfect Gift
Looking for a unique gift for that hard-to-shop-for friend? The DIY Home Surgery Kit says, “I believe in your wildly overestimated medical abilities.” It’s the gift that keeps on giving – until it doesn’t.
As this satirical product launch takes the internet by storm, the DIY Home Surgery Kit has opened up a debate on the limits of self-care and the importance of leaving certain things to the professionals. While it’s unlikely to put hospitals out of business, it’s certainly a conversation starter – or ender, depending on how your first surgery goes.
Remember, kids, don’t try this at home. Or anywhere, really.
Liv N. Large