By Polly Tickle
In a revolutionary move that has dietitians throwing their kale smoothies against the wall in frustration, the FDA has announced the approval of the first-ever subscription-based food pyramid, named “Pyramid Plus.” For just $19.99 a month, health-conscious Americans can now receive monthly updates to their dietary recommendations, ensuring they are always in line with the latest trends and corporate sponsorships.
“Health is not static, and neither should be our dietary guidelines,” said FDA spokesperson Tanya Crisp, during a press conference held in the lobby of a major fast-food chain for undisclosed financial reasons. “With Pyramid Plus, we’re moving from the Stone Age to the Age of Flexibility—or as we like to call it, the Subscription Age.”
For an additional $9.99 a month, subscribers can access the “Elite Snack Tier,” which will suggest weekly updates to snack choices based on the latest snack industry breakthroughs. And for those truly committed to dietary excellence, the “Guru Guidance” package offers daily updates and personalized encouragement texts like, “Are you really going to eat that?”
Critics argue that the constantly shifting guidelines could confuse the public. However, proponents highlight the convenience of integrating one’s diet with the relentless pace of consumer culture. “Why just update your phone and apps when you can update your food intake as well?” argued one tech-savvy nutritionist. “Plus, it’s all in the cloud!”
To ease the transition, the FDA plans to issue QR-coded plates and utensils to help subscribers track their compliance with the ever-changing guidelines. These smart utensils will gently vibrate to remind eaters when they’re about to consume something that was on last week’s “Do Not Eat” list but might be back on the “Superfoods” list by next Tuesday.
As for the base of the pyramid? It’s now sponsored by a soda company, flipping the old pyramid on its head—because, as everyone knows, nothing hydrates like a high-fructose corn syrup-infused beverage.
It’s clear the FDA is looking not just to keep up with the times but to sell them in neatly packaged, monthly installments. As Pyramid Plus rolls out, Americans everywhere brace themselves for a future where their next meal could be just an update away.
Liv N. Large