By Polly Tickle
In a stunning but unsurprising revelation, the international community has updated its unwritten rulebook, clearly delineating that the ‘self-defense’ argument in international conflicts is more of an exclusive membership perk rather than a universal right. Following Iran’s retaliatory strike against Israel, which was itself a reprisal, global leaders rushed to the press, tut-tutting with severe disappointment at Iran’s audacity.
“This is preposterous!” exclaimed one high-ranking official from the UK, speaking on condition of anonymity as he sipped his afternoon tea. “Self-defense is a serious defense, not to be used willy-nilly by just anyone. It’s reserved for those who can handle the responsibility—with grace, poise, and, of course, proper international backing.”
The guideline, experts say, seems simple: if your nation is a favored ally, self-defense is your birthright, a noble claim. For others, it’s seen as a tantrum, a breach of decorum in the polite society of international politics. “We expect some to retaliate with carefully worded diplomatic notes, not missiles,” added the official, adjusting his monocle.
The sentiment was echoed across the Atlantic, where American leaders held a press conference set against a backdrop of bald eagles and waving flags. “Let’s be clear, we believe in self-defense, absolutely,” stated the American spokesperson, “but let’s also be clear about who gets to claim that defense. There’s a list. Didn’t you get the memo?”
Social media reactions have been a mix of sarcasm and disbelief, with #SelectiveSelfDefense trending worldwide. One viral tweet read, “So, let me get this straight: it’s self-defense when you do it, but a war crime when they do it? Got it.”
Political analysts have weighed in, some with a smirk, noting that the real shock is not the hypocrisy itself, but the blatant transparency with which it’s now flaunted. “At this point, they’re not even trying to hide it. It’s like the quiet part is now being broadcasted on loudspeaker,” commented one analyst during a popular late-night show.
As the dust settles on the latest verbal volleys and actual missiles, the world waits to see if any amendments will be made to the self-defense clause or if, as usual, it will be business as usual, with the card played at convenience by those holding the geopolitical trump cards. In the meantime, smaller nations are reportedly banding together to form a ‘Self-Defense Club,’ where they hope to at least draft some fanfiction about what it’s like to have that right respected.