Grocery Stores Begin Accepting Firstborns as Payment as Food Prices Skyrocket

In a grim development that would make even biblical patriarchs reconsider their family planning strategies, grocery stores nationwide have begun accepting firstborn children as a form of payment amidst skyrocketing food prices. This desperate measure comes as inflation reaches astronomical levels, making a single carton of eggs more valuable than a college education.

“It was either this or watching families starve in the aisles,” admitted the CEO of a major grocery chain, his smile a mix of genuine concern and predatory savvy. “We’re simply adapting to the harsh economic realities.”

The program operates under a complex point system. Firstborns are assessed on various factors, including health, potential future earning power, and the likelihood of them complaining about being traded for a gallon of milk and a bruised avocado.

Predictably, panic has gripped the nation. Parents who once viewed their offspring as bundles of messy joy now eye them with the calculating gaze of used car salesmen. “Timmy always did have an aptitude for coding,” one mother was heard muttering while browsing the produce section. “Perhaps it’s time he finally contributed to the household.”

Child psychologists express alarm at the potential long-term trauma. “Being traded for groceries is bound to leave emotional scars,” one expert warned. “Therapy may not be enough to undo the damage of hearing, ‘I could have gotten the organic bananas if you’d just been a bit smarter.'”

The ethics of the scheme are already facing fiery debate. Some argue it’s simply the free market at work, while others decry it as modern-day child sacrifice with a corporate veneer. Meanwhile, savvy older siblings are rejoicing at their sudden increase in value and demanding absurd renegotiations of their allowance.

CSDN urges families to consider potential alternatives. Selling non-essential organs, establishing backyard squirrel farms, or moving into the woods to forage for acorns may prove less psychologically damaging than bartering away the eldest child. Remember, a moment of hunger-induced impulsiveness could lead to a lifetime of familial resentment…or a seriously awkward Thanksgiving dinner.