By Chip Byteley
In a discovery that has surprised absolutely no one, a groundbreaking new study reveals a shocking truth: 100% of college students experience existential dread at least once during their academic careers. Researchers, baffled by this completely unexpected finding, are calling for an immediate investigation into why students might occasionally question their life choices.
“We were under the impression that students were robots fueled exclusively by caffeine and sheer willpower,” admitted the lead researcher, still visibly shocked by the results. “It turns out, they have doubts, worries, and fleeting moments where they wonder what the point of it all is. Who knew?”
Researchers found it surprisingly easy to spot the telltale signs of existential dread among students. These include staring blankly at textbooks while pondering the vastness of the universe, questioning major life choices at 3 AM the night before a midterm, and developing an unhealthy obsession with the tragic life stories of philosophers, particularly ones with unpronounceable last names.
The study also delves into the top causes of this angst, pinpointing crippling student loan debt, the dining hall’s questionable “mystery meat”, and overhearing heated dorm room debates on whether a hot dog is technically a sandwich. All are prime triggers for sparking an internal debate about mortality and the fragility of existence.
Experts warn that this epidemic of existential dread poses a serious risk to academic productivity, often leading to procrastination, staring wistfully out windows, and writing surprisingly deep haikus about unfulfilled potential. Universities, recognizing the gravity of the situation, are scrambling to find solutions. Proposals include mandatory counseling sessions accompanied by calming whale sounds, adding “Angsty Philosophy 101” to the general education curriculum, and replacing graduation caps with tiny berets to promote a more brooding intellectual aesthetic.
While there is no easy fix, one positive outcome has emerged from the study: students across campuses feel slightly less alone in their existential despair. “It’s comforting to know that my late-night crisis about free will is a shared experience,” confessed one sleep-deprived sophomore. “Misery does love company.”
As researchers continue to grapple with this startling phenomenon, one thing is certain: the pursuit of higher education seems to go hand-in-hand with the occasional questioning of the very meaning of life. It appears that for college students, a mild existential crisis may simply be part of the unwritten curriculum.
Polly Tickle