By Chip Byteley
In a stunning turn of events that surprised literally no one else, Bernard Finch, a man who frequently wears socks with sandals, was left bewildered after discovering his opinions on everything from the proper way to fold a fitted sheet to the geopolitical climate of Mars were not universally accepted as facts.
“I don’t understand it,” Bernard stated, shaking a fist at a particularly fluffy cloud. “I put all this effort into forming these rock-solid opinions, and no one seems to appreciate them!”
Bernard, a self-proclaimed expert on a wide range of topics gleaned primarily from internet forums and late-night cable news, expressed his disappointment at the lack of blind acceptance for his pronouncements.
“Apparently, people actually want evidence to back things up!” he exclaimed, visibly distraught. “Who has time for all that research nonsense? I feel attacked!”
Bernard’s wife, Mildred, a woman with a withering stare that could curdle milk, offered a dry response. “Bernard,” she sighed, “perhaps if you phrased your pronouncements as questions instead of pronouncements, you might find people more receptive.”
Bernard scoffed at this suggestion, nearly causing a wardrobe malfunction with the violence of his sock-sandal combo. “Questions? Who needs questions? I have the answers! Or at least, strong feelings about things that sound like answers.”
CSDN reached out to a team of leading psychologists who, after much deliberation, could only offer this sage advice: “There’s a difference between having an opinion and being a walking Wikipedia page of questionable information. Maybe try listening to others and consider alternative perspectives. It might be a mind-blowing experience… literally.”
Bernard, however, remains unconvinced. He’s currently formulating a strongly worded letter to the editor (complete with all-caps and underlined emphasis) about the societal decline caused by people not automatically agreeing with him. Stay tuned, folks. This story might just get even more entertaining.
Liv N. Large