By Chip Byteley
In a groundbreaking development that’s sending shockwaves through societies worldwide, Millennials have officially marked the end of an era by doing what they do best: killing off industries. This time, they’ve set their sights on the most daunting sector of all—adulthood. In a move that’s both audacious and entirely expected, the avocado toast aficionados have collectively decided that being an adult, with its myriad responsibilities, mortgages, and the archaic 9-to-5 job grind, is utterly overrated and, frankly, out of fashion.
“This whole ‘adulthood’ thing? Yeah, it’s been a bit much,” declared a spokesperson for the Millennial generation, speaking from a sustainably powered co-living space that doubles as an art collective. “We’ve crunched the numbers, had a few focus groups, and the consensus is clear: adulthood is canceled. We’re focusing on vibes, sustainability, and really just doing things that spark joy. Mortgages do not spark joy.”
As expected, the announcement has left older generations bewildered, with Baby Boomers and Gen Xers scrambling to understand the implications of a world where traditional markers of adulthood are no longer the ultimate goal. “But if you don’t have a mortgage, where do you keep all your unnecessary home decor?” questioned one perplexed Boomer, clutching a decorative yet non-functional vase.
Economists are predicting a dramatic shift in the market, forecasting a decline in industries such as real estate, luxury car sales, and, surprisingly, neckties. Meanwhile, sectors aligned with Millennial values, such as artisanal coffee shops, thrift stores, and anything related to the gig economy, are expected to see unprecedented growth.
In place of the 9-to-5, Millennials are advocating for a more flexible work model, dubbed “9-to-thrive,” emphasizing work that is meaningful, allows for ample self-care, and doesn’t interfere with one’s side hustle of choice. “It’s about thriving, not just surviving,” explained a Millennial thought leader, who also runs a podcast on the topic.
Critics of the move have labeled it as unrealistic and naive, arguing that the responsibilities of adulthood cannot simply be “canceled.” However, these naysayers are often met with the latest Millennial mantra: “Ok, Boomer.”
In a related development, a new app called “AdultingButNot” has skyrocketed to the top of download charts, offering users a platform to share tips on living a responsibility-free life, swap plant cuttings, and find the best deals on avocado toast.
As the world adjusts to this new paradigm, the only certainty is change. And while the future of adulthood as we know it remains uncertain, one thing is clear: Millennials are reshaping society in their image, one canceled industry at a time.
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