By Polly Tickle
In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through avocado toast enthusiasts nationwide, the millennial generation has been hit with the harsh reality that their laid-back approach to housing—affectionately known as “renting until the end of time”—might not be the golden ticket to a worry-free retirement they had hoped for.
For years, millennials have been criticized for their spending habits, from splurging on latte art to pioneering the gig economy. However, their most significant financial oversight has come to light: assuming that renting forever could somehow magically morph into a savvy retirement strategy.
“I just thought if I avoided the hassle of a mortgage, I’d be set for life,” shared Jayden Smithereens, a 32-year-old freelance interpretive dance critic. “I mean, who needs a house when you’ve got mobility, minimal responsibility, and an ever-growing collection of houseplant children?”
The wake-up call came when a group of millennials, during their weekly virtual brunch, stumbled upon a retirement planning article while searching for the best cruelty-free, organic mimosa recipes. The article outlined the shocking notion that not owning property could lead to financial instability in their golden years, a concept so foreign it might as well have been written in ancient Sumerian.
The fallout from this discovery has been nothing short of cataclysmic, with reports of millennials across the country googling terms like “mortgage” and “401(k)” for the first time. “I had to ask my Alexa what equity was,” admitted Chloe Ferment, a digital nomad known for her artisanal kombucha blog. “Turns out, it’s not a new cryptocurrency or a yoga retreat in Bali.”
In response to this generational panic, financial advisors have seen a surge in clients under 40 wanting to discuss retirement planning. “It’s been an interesting shift,” commented Max Ledger, a financial advisor specializing in millennial crises. “Just last week, I explained compound interest to a client, and they asked if it was similar to fermenting kombucha. We’ve got our work cut out for us.”
As millennials grapple with the reality that their retirement plans need a major overhaul, some remain optimistic. “Maybe owning a home isn’t so bad,” pondered Smithereens, staring wistfully at his collection of rare, indoor succulents. “As long as I can find a place with good natural light for my plants and space for my vintage vinyl collection, I’ll adapt. Retirement is just another adventure, right?”
Liv N. Large 
Chip Byteley