Mummy Discovers Modern Egypt, Immediately Returns to Sarcophagus in Horror

In a shocking reversal of the usual horror trope, an ancient Egyptian mummy, resurrected after millennia through a dubious combination of archaeology and meddling tourists, has voluntarily returned to her sarcophagus. Citing modern Cairo’s traffic jams, aggressive street vendors, and confusing social norms as “unbearable,” Queen Hatchepsut III has declared the afterlife decidedly preferable.

“I ruled over a vast empire, fought wars, built monuments…,” she muttered, ghostly voice thick with disappointment. “I survived the curse of the tomb only to witness this? Honestly, the underworld is starting to look like a relaxing spa day in comparison.”

Researchers are baffled by this unprecedented turn of events. Egyptologists and paranormal investigators, armed with notebooks and ghost-hunting gadgets, stand helpless before a firmly re-sealed sarcophagus.

Queen Hatchepsut’s complaints, overheard through muffled wrappings, offer a scathing critique of modern Egypt:

• Traffic Chaos: “Chariots were dangerous, yes, but at least predictable! These metal contraptions hurtle about with no logic! Where are the traffic gods when you need them?”
• Incessant Noise: “Even tomb robbers were more considerate. Is there no peace to be found, even in death?”
• Aggressive Hawking: “Bazaar merchants were pushy, but papyrus sellers trying to foist selfie sticks upon me? Simply barbaric.”
• Sartorial Disapproval: “What happened to elegant linen? Now everyone wears… denim? And those tiny hats atop men’s heads? Sacrilege!”

Cairo’s tourism industry faces a crisis as news spreads that not even immortality is tempting in the face of the city’s unique challenges. Officials are desperately drafting noise ordinances and launching a “Respect the Mummies” awareness campaign.

Anthropologists see this as a wake-up call. “Perhaps we’ve underestimated how good ancient Egyptians had it,” mused one professor. “Air conditioning and WiFi may not outweigh the serenity of a well-stocked tomb.”

Meanwhile, Queen Hatchepsut’s faint voice can still be heard emanating from the sarcophagus, lamenting that even the afterlife has apparently succumbed to the scourge of social media notifications. Her muffled pleas of “Make it stop!” echo ominously in the tomb, a dire warning to any would-be meddlers in the realm of eternal rest.