By Polly Tickle
In what can only be described as the least surprising yet most affirming study of the century, researchers have concluded that 100% of humans will, at some point, face mortality. Despite these daunting odds, the study’s authors have issued a bold recommendation: to embrace life and live it to the fullest.
This groundbreaking revelation was accompanied by a mock public health announcement, urging people everywhere to confront the inevitability of death with a renewed vigor for life. “Yes, the rumors are true,” the announcement begins, “death remains undefeated, with a track record we can’t argue against. However, we strongly advise living as the best course of action.”
The study, published in the Journal of Obvious Outcomes, has sparked a global conversation about the importance of making the most out of our limited time. Researchers suggest a variety of life-embracing strategies, such as laughing more, stressing less, and pursuing passions with the intensity of a soap opera storyline.
“Considering the alternative, living seems to be an excellent choice,” stated Dr. Ima Alive, lead author of the study. “Our findings strongly suggest that individuals who engage in activities such as enjoying sunsets, eating delicious foods, and spending time with loved ones report higher levels of happiness than those who don’t.”
In light of these findings, health experts are recommending daily doses of joy, spontaneity, and adventure. “We must all remember that life is the longest thing any of us will ever do, yet it’s still shockingly short,” explained Alive. “It’s imperative to fill it with as many positive experiences as possible.”
The public health announcement also includes practical tips for embracing life, such as:
- Smiling at strangers (where culturally appropriate)
- Learning something new every day
- Telling people you love them
- Occasionally eating dessert first
In conclusion, the study and its whimsical public health announcement serve as a cheeky yet poignant reminder of our shared destiny. They encourage us all to live deliberately, love freely, and laugh often, as we navigate the beautiful, finite journey of life.
Stay tuned to Crustian Satirical Daily News (CSDN) for more life-affirming news, because, as the study suggests, you might as well enjoy the read.
Liv N. Large 
Chip Byteley