By Chip Byteley
In a development that rivals Spider-Man’s spidey-sense, jaded New Yorkers have apparently developed a new superpower: the uncanny ability to telepathically sense tourists from a distance of up to three blocks. This evolutionary leap, scientists believe, is a direct response to decades of slow-walking sidewalk groups and bewildered subway map consultations.
“It started as a tingling feeling at the back of my neck,” recounts veteran New Yorker Sarah, her eyes narrowed in suspicion. “Now, I can spot a confused Midwestern family in Times Square at rush hour without even turning around. It’s like a sixth sense, but specifically calibrated for fanny packs and selfie sticks.”
News of this emerging psychic power has caused seismic shifts in the already chaotic New York ecosystem. Subway cars now witness a fascinating spectacle as seasoned locals, alerted by subtle psychic pings, execute perfectly timed seat-grabbing maneuvers and nonchalantly fake-text to avoid eye contact with disoriented visitors.
Sidewalks have become sites of strategic maneuvering, with New Yorkers dodging tour groups wielding oversized maps with the agility of professional ninjas. Delis now offer “New Yorker Immunity Boosters” – a potent blend of black coffee and eye rolls, for those days when the psychic warnings come in strong and fast.
The sudden development of these anti-tourist psychic powers has left some New Yorkers feeling conflicted. “Don’t get me wrong, I love a good rant about people standing on the wrong side of the escalator,” admits Michael, a lifelong Bronx resident. “But there’s a certain guilt, you know? Sensing some poor lost soul from Ohio and instinctively plotting an escape route involving back alleys and questionable shortcuts.”
Naturally, the tourism industry is concerned. Sensing the rising psychic tension, tour guides are hastily implementing “New Yorker Camouflage” workshops, promising to teach wide-eyed visitors the subtle art of looking grumpy and walking at an intimidating pace.
Meanwhile, scientists are scrambling to understand the true nature of this phenomenon. Is it a byproduct of chronic stress? An unusual mutation caused by exposure to too many crowded subway cars? Or perhaps it’s proof that New Yorkers are evolving into the ultimate urban survivors, capable of navigating hordes of tourists and overpriced lattes with equal levels of disdain. Only time, and a few thousand more photobombing incidents in front of the Statue of Liberty, will tell the true consequences of this new psychic arms race.
Polly Tickle 
Liv N. Large