By Chip Byteley
The entertainment industry faces an unprecedented legal battle, as a man claiming to be the 53rd great-grandson of Tutankhamun demands copyright royalties for, well, basically every mummy movie ever made. Ramses Abdul-Aziz III, a Cairo-based insurance salesman with a striking resemblance to his heavily bandaged ancestor, has had it with the blatant exploitation of his family’s resemblance.
“For centuries, Hollywood has profited off our likeness,” Ramses declares, clutching a dusty scroll containing his meticulously researched family tree. “Mummy shambling around? Check. Ancient curses? Check! Sarcophagus with questionable hygiene standards? Triple check! It’s time they paid up!”
His lawsuit targets a century of cinematic tomb-raiding. Demands include:
- A per-monster royalty rate for each resurrected mummy onscreen, with bonus multipliers for those with “glow-in-the-dark” eyes and questionable fashion choices.
- Retroactive licensing fees for all “Book of the Dead” usage and every hieroglyph-decoding scene, adjusted for inflation since the silent film era.
- A curse-infringement clause, seeking damages for emotional distress caused by the inaccurate portrayal of vengeful pharaohs. (“My ancestors were into tax reform and irrigation projects, not chasing Brendan Fraser around a pyramid.”)
Hollywood is reeling. “Does this mean we can’t do zombie movies either?” a panicked studio executive asks, envisioning his entire slate crumbling as distant relatives of the undead crawl out of the woodwork.
The case throws the entertainment world into chaos:
- Writers scramble to replace Egyptian tombs with generic “lost temples” while brainstorming villain backstories that don’t involve disgruntled pharaohs.
- Special effects teams furiously attempt to CGI new monsters, but worry their “Cursed Aztec Jaguar God” concept might also be legally problematic.
- Actors union representatives demand hazard pay for potential ancient curse exposure.
Ramses, meanwhile, is flooded with emails from long-lost relatives smelling a money-making opportunity. Distant cousins of Vlad the Impaler, a possible descendant of Medusa, and even an alleged heir of a Viking buried with a slightly grumpy-looking hamster are all vying for a piece of the action.
As the lawsuits pile up and studios contemplate bankruptcy, one question lingers: did Ramses inadvertently unleash a legal nightmare far worse than any ancient curse? Hollywood is about to find out that while popcorn and thrilling adventures are their business, exploiting history could prove far more costly than they ever imagined.
Polly Tickle 
Dominick