By Polly Tickle
World leaders have unanimously agreed to resolve all future conflicts through a universally understood and respected form of negotiation: Rock, Paper, Scissors. This groundbreaking decision came after a marathon session at the United Nations, where the usual debates and discussions gave way to an impromptu game that quickly escalated into a full-blown diplomatic strategy.
The Ultimate Peacemaker
Gone are the days of tense negotiations and lengthy peace talks. From territorial disputes to trade agreements, every issue on the international stage will now be decided by a best-of-three match. “It’s simple, it’s fair, and best of all, it’s quick,” stated one delegate, who preferred to remain anonymous lest they be challenged to a tiebreaker.
Training for the Top
Leadership training programs around the world are hastily adding Rock, Paper, Scissors strategy to their curricula, with elite coaches being flown in to advise on the psychological warfare and finger-flexing dexterity required to triumph. “It’s all about predicting your opponent’s next move,” explained Grandmaster Rocky Flintstone, reigning Rock, Paper, Scissors world champion.
Global Peace Ensured?
Skeptics question the longevity of this resolution method, but early adopters are optimistic. “Imagine settling the fate of nations with a game we teach children,” mused one hopeful diplomat. “It’s so absurd, it just might work.” Indeed, preliminary rounds have already led to some surprising outcomes, with smaller nations outmaneuvering their larger counterparts in a stunning display of dexterity and strategy.
The Rules of Engagement
To ensure fairness, the International Rock, Paper, Scissors Federation (IRPSF) has been established, tasked with overseeing disputes and ensuring that no leader resorts to the underhanded tactic of “dynamite,” a controversial move that has been banned from official matches.
A New Era of International Relations
As the world watches in a mix of disbelief and amusement, the first official Rock, Paper, Scissors summit is scheduled to take place next spring, set in a neutral location where the stakes are high, and the hand gestures are ready. “We stand on the precipice of a new era in diplomacy,” declared the UN Secretary-General, “where the complex web of international relations can be untangled with the simplicity of a childhood game.”
Whether this novel approach to global governance will lead to lasting peace remains to be seen. However, one thing is clear: the next time world leaders gather, the world will be watching not just the outcomes but the hands that decide them.