By Chip Byteley
Curse Not Included: Tourists Wipe Out Newly Unearthed Ancient City in Record Time
In a discovery that made archaeologists cheer and then promptly weep into their dusty trowels, a freak sandstorm in the Sahara desert has uncovered a perfectly preserved lost city. The catch? It’s about to be trampled to dust by hordes of overenthusiastic tourists before scientists can even start taking selfies beside it.
“It’s a miracle! A time capsule!” exclaims Professor Beatrice Featherstone, her voice tinged with both excitement and imminent despair. But her words are drowned out by the roar of approaching tour buses and the clicking of ill-advised stilettos on ancient cobblestones.
Within hours, the pristine city transforms into a chaotic free-for-all:
- “Lost Treasures” Pop-Up Market: Enterprising locals hawk “authentic” relics (aka broken clay pots glued hastily together). Haggling ensues, accompanied by dubious claims of curses for anyone who pays below the exorbitant “historical artifact” price.
- Selfie Frenzy: Influencers in impractical linen outfits pose precariously atop crumbling temple walls, each vying for the most “adventurous” Instagram shot. At least two priceless statues are toppled in the process.
- Picnic Catastrophes: Spilled hummus stains priceless mosaics. Discarded soda cans become unfortunate additions to the archaeological record, baffling future scientists.
Professor Featherstone, hair disheveled and clutching a chipped piece of pottery, tries in vain to cordon off the most sensitive areas. “Please,” she begs a group attempting to carve their initials into a sacred obelisk, “history deserves more than a ‘Becky was here’!”
Meanwhile, conspiracy theories run rampant online:
- “Sandstorm was staged by Big Tourism!” insists a YouTube commentator with suspiciously shiny tinfoil adorning his walls.
- “City is obviously a movie set. Where are the hidden cameras?” declares a skeptic convinced reality itself is a poorly scripted TV show.
As the sun sets, the newly unearthed city is a wasteland of footprints, trash, and shattered dreams of careful excavation. Professor Featherstone, surveying the wreckage, sighs wearily. “It seems some things are better left buried,” she mutters, dusting sand off a discarded selfie stick.
News of the city’s rapid demise prompts a wave of panicked, and somewhat hypocritical, social media outrage. Yet, tour companies are already advertising the next “Exclusive Adventure: Witness the Ruins Before They Crumble Entirely!” It seems humanity’s thirst for discovery goes hand-in-hand with its remarkable capacity for destruction.