Senate Introduces Bill to Make ‘Unfollowing’ Politicians on Social Media a Federal Offense

In a daring leap towards what can only be described as “compulsory digital loyalty,” the U.S. Senate has unveiled legislation that elevates the act of unfollowing politicians on social media to a federal crime. This unprecedented bill, cheekily dubbed the “Follow Forever Act,” seeks to glue the eyes of the American populace to the ever-enthralling social media feeds of their elected officials.

Amidst the digital age’s cacophony, where the line between essential updates and trivial banter grows ever blurrier, the Senate proposes a simple solution: mandatory engagement. Under this new law, the act of unfollowing, muting, or otherwise digitally ignoring politicians could see Americans facing fines, compulsory social media usage seminars, or, in extreme cases, time in a very Wi-Fi-enabled cell.

Senator I.C. Orwell, the bill’s most vocal advocate, insists, “In an era where attention is currency, ensuring our constituents hang on our every tweet, like, and share is not just about vanity—it’s about democracy.”

Critics of the bill, sporting hashtags like #MyFollowMyChoice, argue that this move tramples on personal freedoms under the guise of civic engagement. “What’s next? Mandatory retweets?” laments social media libertarian, Anon User. “If I wanted non-stop political commentary, I’d have stayed at Thanksgiving dinner indefinitely.”

Legal scholars and digital rights activists are already gearing up for a showdown, citing concerns over free speech and the right to digital silence. Meanwhile, the average Joe and Jane are left wondering if there’s an “unsubscribe from reality” option.

In true satirical spirit, this development has been a boon for meme creators, satirists, and dystopian novelists alike, providing a rich vein of content ripe for exploration. The absurdity of politicians demanding not just your vote but your undivided screen time has not been lost on the public.

As this bill wends its way through the corridors of power, a nation glued to its screens awaits the outcome. Will America’s social media feeds become a one-way street of political pontification, or will the digital populace reclaim their right to scroll in peace? Only time, tweets, and perhaps a few well-timed memes will tell.