By Chip Byteley
In a move that has left consumers simultaneously baffled and enraged, local supermarket chains have unveiled what they’ve dubbed a “revolutionary” new loyalty program. Forget paltry points systems or occasional discounts on expired produce; this groundbreaking initiative takes customer appreciation to unprecedented heights. After diligently funneling their life savings into overpriced groceries, dedicated shoppers can now reap the thrilling reward of… a single loaf of bread.
“We understand the financial burden our valued customers carry,” said a supermarket spokesperson with a disturbingly wide grin. “That’s why we wanted to offer something truly special to show just how much we appreciate their continued patronage during these trying economic times.”
A closer inspection of the program reveals a catch worthy of the finest angler. Loyal shoppers must first spend a staggering $1000 to earn their reward: a single loaf of the supermarket’s own-brand bread, renowned in foodie circles for its ability to rival bricks in density and its distinct lack of flavor. Financial experts caution consumers that qualifying for this “generous” offer could very well require them to take out a second mortgage.
“It’s like they’re openly mocking us,” stated one disgruntled shopper amidst a sea of abandoned carts laden with overpriced, wilted kale. “After blowing my entire paycheck on pears that cost more than a pair of designer jeans, all they want to give me is something I could find in a dumpster with far less effort and a higher probability of actual freshness?”
CSDN’s team of investigative economists has crunched the numbers, and the results are alarming. To afford this groundbreaking loaf of bread, loyal shoppers may need to forgo minor luxuries like paying their electricity bill, making rent, or perhaps selling a kidney or two on the black market.
Speculation is rife that this bizarre loyalty program is the brainchild of a shadowy, carb-obsessed cult secretly operating within the supermarket chains’ upper echelons. CSDN reporters are currently infiltrating supermarket break rooms, seeking irrefutable proof of ritualistic toast-worship and clandestine meetings dedicated to strategizing the gluten-induced downfall of society.
For now, consumers are urged to exercise extreme caution. Remember, if a supermarket deal sounds too ridiculous to be true, chances are it’s all part of a sinister plot to leave you both impoverished and vaguely constipated.
Liv N. Large 
Polly Tickle