By Chip Byteley
In a development baffling parents, scientists, and sleep-deprived adults everywhere, teenagers across the globe have suddenly acquired the inexplicable ability to sleep through virtually any disturbance. Reports of slumbering teens unfazed by blaring alarms, trash trucks performing heavy metal concerts directly outside their windows, and even siblings practicing the tuba inches from their ears have flooded news outlets and social media.
“I set off the fire alarm, and my son merely rolled over and grumbled about the light,” recounted one exhausted mother, her eyes haunted with a mix of envy and resentment. “What dark magic is this?”
Scientists are scrambling to understand this miraculous phenomenon. Theories range from a sudden evolutionary leap triggered by years of early school start times to extraterrestrial intervention.
“It appears this isn’t just blocking out sound; it’s an almost supernatural state of hibernation,” explained a leading sleep researcher, adjusting his coffee-stained lab coat. “Teenagers are now practically comatose, yet somehow retain the ability to locate their phones with zombie-like precision.”
Unsurprisingly, the development has sparked a mix of awe and resentment among sleep-deprived adults, who’ve resorted to increasingly desperate attempts to rouse their slumbering teens. Bullhorns, pots and pans orchestras, and trained attack dogs have all proven ineffective.
Meanwhile, teenagers themselves seem amused by the chaos they’ve unleashed. Social media is flooded with videos of teens casually napping amidst rock concerts and their parents’ increasingly panicked attempts to wake them for dinner.
CSDN’s investigative team has uncovered a potential downside. Early reports suggest teens emerging from their slumberous state exhibit brief periods of confusion, disorientation, and an insatiable craving for pizza. However, most consider this a small price to pay for finally achieving the dream of uninterrupted sleep.
Polly Tickle