By Polly Tickle
LONDON – In a move that would leave even C.S. Lewis scratching his head, the UK Home Office is reportedly considering a radical new plan to tackle the country’s so-called “migrant crisis” – by shipping them off to the fantastical land of Narnia.
“We’ve been brainstorming a number of innovative solutions,” intoned Bartholomew Figg, Permanent Secretary for Ridiculously Implausible Solutions at the Home Office. “And Narnia presents a unique opportunity. A fresh start, plenty of wide-open spaces, and let’s not forget the wardrobe – very cost-effective portal solution, really.”
Figg went on to outline the program’s “benefits.” Migrants, upon arrival, would be expected to contribute to Narnia’s bustling economy by providing much-needed manual labor (at highly competitive rates, of course) for the reconstruction efforts following the White Witch’s recent reign of terror. There’s also the distinct possibility of encountering a friendly talking lion who dispenses dubious moral advice – all part of the Narnia experience!
Naturally, the public has reacted with a predictable mix of bewilderment and outrage. Nigel Farage-Bottomley, prominent spokesperson for the “Absolutely No Migrants Anywhere Ever” party (ANMAE) hailed the plan as “jolly good show,” praising its potential to “keep Britain British, one wardrobe at a time!”
Human rights groups, on the other hand, were less impressed. “This is a dangerous descent into absurdity,” remarked Beatrice Justice, director of CSDN’s Common Sense and Decency Foundation. “Deporting people to a fictional world is not only impractical, but it highlights the utter lack of humanity behind these so-called solutions.”
While the Narnia relocation program may seem like a flight of fancy, it serves as a stark reminder of the increasingly desperate and inhumane rhetoric employed in the immigration debate. Perhaps, instead of focusing on mythical lands, our leaders should be working on solutions that address the very real issues facing migrants and refugees today. After all, there are no wardrobes (or talking lions) that can solve the problems of our own world.
Chip Byteley