By Polly Tickle
A small-town university known for its fuzzy squirrel mascot is facing an unprecedented legal challenge. Eleven-year-old Fiona Willowbottom, a self-proclaimed member of the “Therian” movement (those who identify with their spirit animal), is suing the school for “defamatory misrepresentation” of the squirrel species.
“Squirrels are noble, resourceful creatures,” Fiona proclaims, sporting a handmade bushy tail and acorn-shaped earrings. “That cartoonish, grinning mascot perpetuates harmful stereotypes. We are not hyperactive nut-obsessed maniacs!”
Her passionate affidavit outlines the lawsuit’s core complaints:
- Defamatory Tail Depiction: The mascot’s perpetually upright fluffy tail is scientifically inaccurate. “Real squirrels use our tails for balance and communication, not as exclamation points!”
- Offensive Nut Obsession: Squirrels have a diverse diet, not the single-minded acorn fixation portrayed by the mascot. “This promotes unhealthy eating habits and paints us as one-dimensional gluttons!”
- Gross Exaggeration of Energy Levels: “We have naps too,” she insists. “The mascot is always bounding around like it’s on five espressos. Where is the chill squirrel representation?”
The university is floundering for a response. “We meant no disrespect to the squirrel community,” stammers a bewildered spokesperson. “Our mascot is beloved…though admittedly prone to questionable halftime antics involving oversized acorns.”
The online world is abuzz with debate:
- Animal rights activists hail Fiona as a champion challenging anthropomorphization.
- Confused sports fans wonder if they need to apologize to the bulldogs on their t-shirts.
- Biologists reluctantly enter the fray to address the anatomical inaccuracies of cartoon mascots.
Fiona’s demands include a mascot redesign consultation, an official university apology to all squirrels, and sensitivity training for the cheerleading squad. “No more chanting ‘Go nuts!’ It’s deeply offensive,” she declares.
Meanwhile, the campus grounds have become a surreal battleground. Animal behavior students observe the local squirrels with newfound respect. The mascot, sensing a shift, nervously eyes a nearby oak tree, contemplating a return to nature.
Compromise seems unlikely. The university dreads the PR nightmare of a lawsuit lost to an eleven-year-old, while Fiona remains steadfast. “This is about more than just a mascot,” she proclaims, nibbling thoughtfully on a kale leaf. “It’s about reclaiming the squirrel narrative!”
As the case drags on, one thing is certain: this small-town university will never look at its fuzzy-tailed mascot, or the determined girl with the acorn earrings, in quite the same way again.