By Chip Byteley
In an unprecedented legal challenge that has both the living and the undead on the edge of their seats, a group of self-aware zombies has filed a discrimination lawsuit against the media and cultural representations that paint them all as mindless consumers of human flesh. The plaintiffs argue that such depictions fail to recognize the diversity within their community, particularly ignoring those who have adopted vegan lifestyles.
The lead plaintiff, Zed Zomberson, a former farmer turned vegan zombie, articulated their grievances during a press conference held at an undisclosed graveyard. “It’s disheartening. Just because we’re undead doesn’t mean we can’t have ethical eating habits. Not all of us crave brains; some of us prefer brains of the cauliflower variety,” Zomberson moaned, his words echoing through the tombstones.
The lawsuit specifically targets popular media franchises and Halloween stereotypes for perpetuating what the plaintiffs describe as “zombist” views, demanding reparations in the form of positive representation and inclusion of vegan zombie characters in all future zombie-themed entertainment content. Furthermore, they are calling for the establishment of safe spaces where undead vegans can gather without fear of judgment or the temptation of human flesh.
Critics argue that the lawsuit is a step too far, accusing the plaintiffs of trying to humanize a group that, by definition, lacks humanity. However, supporters argue that this legal battle is a necessary move towards a more inclusive society that recognizes the rights and individuality of all beings, living or undead.
Legal expert Dr. Lara N. Mortis commented on the case, stating, “This lawsuit challenges our preconceived notions about identity and rights post-mortem. It’s a landmark case that could redefine equality and anti-discrimination laws to include entities we never imagined extending rights to.”
The case has sparked a heated debate on social media, with hashtags like #ZombieRights and #VeganZombies trending. Many are calling for a deeper examination of cultural stereotypes and urging for a shift in how society views those who are different, regardless of their vital status.
As the case proceeds, it’s clear that the implications could be far-reaching, potentially changing the way we think about diversity, tolerance, and the rights of all individuals—alive, undead, and anywhere in between.
Stay tuned to Crustian Satirical Daily News (CSDN) for updates on this groundbreaking lawsuit. Will justice be served, or will it be just another case of dead on arrival? Only time will tell.
Liv N. Large 
Polly Tickle