By Polly Tickle
In what many are calling a “historic maybe,” the United Nations General Assembly has overwhelmingly voted that Palestine just might exist, pending further confirmation by a more important group of people who sit at a fancier table—the Security Council.
“Today marks a significant moment, in which we take a brave step towards possibly acknowledging what many have acknowledged for quite some time,” declared one diplomat, wiping a tear from his eye and looking forward to another few decades of discussions.
The resolution, which passed in the General Assembly with flying colors, has been described as a ‘strong maybe’—a diplomatic term experts say is just below ‘probably’ but slightly above ‘we’ll think about it.’ The decision will now move to the Security Council, where the real magic happens—or doesn’t happen—depending on who you ask.
“We are cautiously optimistic,” stated a representative from one member nation, “and by that, I mean we are prepared to discuss this at length, in numerous sessions, all while achieving very little.”
Critics of the UN’s pace have pointed out that it took less time to discover Pluto, lose it as a planet, and then argue about it endlessly. “At this rate, we might confirm the existence of extraterrestrial life before we sort out the world map,” joked one historian, who preferred to remain anonymous for fear of being invited to yet another panel discussion.
Meanwhile, a spokesperson for the British Empire, reached via séance, expressed confusion and mild amusement. “We did what now?” asked the spirit of a long-deceased colonial administrator, before fading away, chuckling about the good old days of drawing borders with a ruler and very little foresight.
As the world waits for the Security Council to weigh in, many are left wondering about the implications of such a decision. “It’s a complex issue,” explained a professor of International Relations. “On one hand, you have geopolitical realities, and on the other, you have a group of people who’ve been saying ‘please’ for 60 years. It’s really a toss-up.”
In preparation for the upcoming Security Council session, nations are reportedly brushing up on their best diplomatic language, with phrases like ‘profound concern’ and ‘deep consideration’ being thrown around. “It’s important to sound concerned while committing to nothing specific,” advised a seasoned diplomat.
The Palestinian representatives have expressed cautious optimism about the upcoming vote, planning a modest celebration featuring a cake that reads “Welcome to the Table,” which they hope will not have to be stored in the freezer for another decade.
As the international community holds its breath, the UN continues its tradition of prolonged deliberation. “Why rush?” quipped one official. “After all, it’s only been 60 years.”